Today, I am remembering my father who awakened us every weekend morning to the sound of a vacuum cleaner hitting my bedroom door. He sure loved those tracks in the pile carpeting.
Go see your daddy, or the man your mama told you was to be your daddy. Take him to a chain restaurant and let him order dessert. Get crazy, buy him a card or a clip-on neck tie.
I will spend my day watching Maury Povich break the news to all the new and unfortunate daddies. Congratulations- it is very most likely yours!
I am reminded of a few of my own complicated conversations about who may-or-may not be responsible for my delicate condition. But, childrun, you gotta remember it was the 1970s there was no way to be sure. Disco techs tend to lead to peeing on a stick and praying to Jesus.
But I digress....Because today is the day that makes all those awkward paternity tests worth it.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
DMV- showdown
Mama done up and sold the Buick. I said to hell with it kiddies, time to get a new ride. Some nice old man bought my sled. He was about 137 by best guess but I really appreciate his generosity. Fortunately, he didn't see that dent from where I hit the ATM or the time I backed over the neighbor kid and his bike. He only saw a good deal and a lime green metallic paint job.
So, me and Father Time go walking into the DMV to get the title for him and get him on his way. Let me back track and tell you that this was the 2nd place we went. The country folks working at the County Clerk's office told me to "go on down there to the state to get that man a title and his driver's tag." Ok, I do what the middle management says to do.
So we stand in line and wait and wait. THen we get a number and wait, and wait. Then they tell me, "Sorry we can't do this. If the car is going over state lines he needs to get a temporary tag there." I scratch my wig and ask, " Can he drive on my tag?" The man whose name tag read BUBA,yes spelt wrong and all... Buba says, "Naw he can't. He needs to get one from Michigan." Ok, so this goes back and forth because Father Time lives in Michigan and bought my Buick here in Tennessee. But, he can't take my tag, and TN won't give him a temp tag- so how the hell is he supposed to get it back the Michigan?
Buba: Ma'am you need to have him get the title and get that tag.
Me: SO he can't drive it until then?
Bub: Nope
Me: How is he supposed to get it back to Michigan
Buba: Ma'am you've asked me this already.
Me: I simply don't understand.
Buba: It ain't my problem
I told the less than helpful folks at the state clerk's office:
"Sir, Mr. Bubba. I understand you think you are helping me.I UNDERSTAND you don't want to help me anymore. I understand you don't want to be professional or courteous. But PLEASE understand that I don't want to be here either. Now I understand you probably have a button where you can push for security to come in 30 seconds, but let me assure you Mr. Bubba, that this will be the longest 30 seconds of your life if you don't start being respectful to me. Now, kindly ring your manager and tell him there is a Customer here who would request his or her assistance. Because you see, it AIN'T my problem isn't an answer."
I left with no drive out tag but I did get a small applause from the folks in line.
So, me and Father Time go walking into the DMV to get the title for him and get him on his way. Let me back track and tell you that this was the 2nd place we went. The country folks working at the County Clerk's office told me to "go on down there to the state to get that man a title and his driver's tag." Ok, I do what the middle management says to do.
So we stand in line and wait and wait. THen we get a number and wait, and wait. Then they tell me, "Sorry we can't do this. If the car is going over state lines he needs to get a temporary tag there." I scratch my wig and ask, " Can he drive on my tag?" The man whose name tag read BUBA,yes spelt wrong and all... Buba says, "Naw he can't. He needs to get one from Michigan." Ok, so this goes back and forth because Father Time lives in Michigan and bought my Buick here in Tennessee. But, he can't take my tag, and TN won't give him a temp tag- so how the hell is he supposed to get it back the Michigan?
Buba: Ma'am you need to have him get the title and get that tag.
Me: SO he can't drive it until then?
Bub: Nope
Me: How is he supposed to get it back to Michigan
Buba: Ma'am you've asked me this already.
Me: I simply don't understand.
Buba: It ain't my problem
I told the less than helpful folks at the state clerk's office:
"Sir, Mr. Bubba. I understand you think you are helping me.I UNDERSTAND you don't want to help me anymore. I understand you don't want to be professional or courteous. But PLEASE understand that I don't want to be here either. Now I understand you probably have a button where you can push for security to come in 30 seconds, but let me assure you Mr. Bubba, that this will be the longest 30 seconds of your life if you don't start being respectful to me. Now, kindly ring your manager and tell him there is a Customer here who would request his or her assistance. Because you see, it AIN'T my problem isn't an answer."
I left with no drive out tag but I did get a small applause from the folks in line.
Monday, June 14, 2010
amended rules of travel
1) A gate change is nothing personal. pack yourself, your shit and your screaming kids up and walk to the new gate. Stop complaining like it ruined your trip
2) IT IS RUDE TO RECLINE YOUR SEAT IN COACH
3) Eat your food before you board. Others do not want to smell it. Maybe I am not in the mood for your nachos smell for 3 hours? Maybe I am not feeling italian today. Maybe I don't want to smell your cinna-bun? Who am I kidding. It is a good thing that heiffer wasn't sitting next to me or I'd have snatched that Cinna-bun up for my own self.
4) Babies on a plane: do not hate the babies. They don't know any better. They think their head may actually explode from the pressure. Hate the parents. If you took your 1 year old to the beach you are an unfit mother - "plane and simple." Babies don't need to fly. You can skip Myrtle Beach this year. Instead, tan your tramp stamp at your local trailerpark swimming hole.
4.5) Babies continued, I will play peek-aboo with the kid if I want to. But, do not think it gets you off the hook. You hear that jeans shorts lady?
5) Jean Shorts are not appropriate for plane, or forever.
5.5) People used to dress for a plane. I know the 1950s were my glory years but you are still in public. this isn't a sleepover with you and 120 of your college friends. Wear clothes not your damn pajamas.
6) Leave the arm rest where it is. If you are too fat to sit in the seat, I am sorry. But you don't get to lay on top of me. Drive to your destination, or better yet walk.
7) Over heard bin space is limited: please do not bring a taped up bag full of "Precious MOments" dolls you got at the local shit store. I want to throw my Jessica Simpson Magic Carpet Ride VIP rolling luggage up there. I don't care if your purchase is too big and might get damaged. Fed Ex makes a living off of shipping that crap for people just like you. This is an airplane meant for people and their bags not your early bird christmas shopping in Pigeon Forge.
8) If I am sleeping on the plane, please do not wake me to ask if I want a soda pop. If I want a Pepsi I will be awake. Some bonehead poked me and asked if I wanted a coke. Well, I did want it- I wanted to throw it on him for being such a dumbass.
9) Keep your shoes on. If you take your shoes of on the plane we will all smell your feet. Worse yet, I will see your feet inches from me. I am likely to scream, point or laugh at you. Keep your damn shoes on.
10) i say it again: IT IS RUDE TO RECLINE YOUR SEAT IN COACH. Nothing better than a balding crown 3 inches from my face. I wanted to pull out my SHARPIE and leave him a note: baldy is inconsiderate of other's personal space. Hope you enjoyed your nap
Bonus: Electronic devices are approved for use during flight- BUT I don't really want to hear the Barney Theme song for 2.5 hours. Get some damn headphones or leave it at home.
thank you for flying bitchy air
2) IT IS RUDE TO RECLINE YOUR SEAT IN COACH
3) Eat your food before you board. Others do not want to smell it. Maybe I am not in the mood for your nachos smell for 3 hours? Maybe I am not feeling italian today. Maybe I don't want to smell your cinna-bun? Who am I kidding. It is a good thing that heiffer wasn't sitting next to me or I'd have snatched that Cinna-bun up for my own self.
4) Babies on a plane: do not hate the babies. They don't know any better. They think their head may actually explode from the pressure. Hate the parents. If you took your 1 year old to the beach you are an unfit mother - "plane and simple." Babies don't need to fly. You can skip Myrtle Beach this year. Instead, tan your tramp stamp at your local trailerpark swimming hole.
4.5) Babies continued, I will play peek-aboo with the kid if I want to. But, do not think it gets you off the hook. You hear that jeans shorts lady?
5) Jean Shorts are not appropriate for plane, or forever.
5.5) People used to dress for a plane. I know the 1950s were my glory years but you are still in public. this isn't a sleepover with you and 120 of your college friends. Wear clothes not your damn pajamas.
6) Leave the arm rest where it is. If you are too fat to sit in the seat, I am sorry. But you don't get to lay on top of me. Drive to your destination, or better yet walk.
7) Over heard bin space is limited: please do not bring a taped up bag full of "Precious MOments" dolls you got at the local shit store. I want to throw my Jessica Simpson Magic Carpet Ride VIP rolling luggage up there. I don't care if your purchase is too big and might get damaged. Fed Ex makes a living off of shipping that crap for people just like you. This is an airplane meant for people and their bags not your early bird christmas shopping in Pigeon Forge.
8) If I am sleeping on the plane, please do not wake me to ask if I want a soda pop. If I want a Pepsi I will be awake. Some bonehead poked me and asked if I wanted a coke. Well, I did want it- I wanted to throw it on him for being such a dumbass.
9) Keep your shoes on. If you take your shoes of on the plane we will all smell your feet. Worse yet, I will see your feet inches from me. I am likely to scream, point or laugh at you. Keep your damn shoes on.
10) i say it again: IT IS RUDE TO RECLINE YOUR SEAT IN COACH. Nothing better than a balding crown 3 inches from my face. I wanted to pull out my SHARPIE and leave him a note: baldy is inconsiderate of other's personal space. Hope you enjoyed your nap
Bonus: Electronic devices are approved for use during flight- BUT I don't really want to hear the Barney Theme song for 2.5 hours. Get some damn headphones or leave it at home.
thank you for flying bitchy air
Saturday, June 5, 2010
rough night? rough morning
you could probably tell I had a rough night last night from earlier post. So, I did my medicinal ritual "drive through" which always follows the medicinal ritual of "margaritas". I am pretty sure the lady working the drive through thinks I am homeless. Now, i am not at my personal best in the drive through line, which is why one depends on a drive through rather than going inside. So, I look a little crazy haired and unshaven in the drive through. It does not mean I am living in my car.
There is nothing like being judged while waiting on your change. Then I drive to the second window to pick up the order and the guy looks at me like he feels sorry for me. I think he and that hateful judgey lady were talking about me over the radio earphone things they wear. Maybe she punched it in the order? That's okay I will take your pity and some extra ketchup.
There is nothing like being judged while waiting on your change. Then I drive to the second window to pick up the order and the guy looks at me like he feels sorry for me. I think he and that hateful judgey lady were talking about me over the radio earphone things they wear. Maybe she punched it in the order? That's okay I will take your pity and some extra ketchup.
Friday, June 4, 2010
it happens in 3's
i am struggling tonight to put my thoughts into words. You see, I feel life is a series of ups and downs. Sometimes you just can't be up. Sometimes it is okay to be sad, or mad or disappointed. They say these things happen in 3's right?
1)Sad: Tonight I cried. I admit it and I didn't expect it. Have you ever heard someone passed and you didn't even know that person, but you cried for her? Tonight I was sad... because you have to respect those that came before you. Someone passed away today who wasn't even a personal friend, but a friend indeed. Tonight a hero has passed- and I pray for her soul to be safe and true. It saddens me when anyone dies but my heart breaks a little tonight in respect.
2) Mad: I lost something. It might be trivial but sometimes the one that got away is gone for sure. I learned that tonight. I had held out hope and kept a torch burning but it only burned down my house. So, tonight I am mad for the love I lost - and the love I never found.
3) Finally: Tonight I learned a lot about disappointment. Disappointment is a double-edged sword. See, it hurts a lot when someone lets you down but it hurts more when you can't forgive them. I surprised myself writing that one down.
So, tonight I write you with a heavy heart. But, I hope, and I pray for that matter, that you realize it is these tough times, the sad times that make the happy times much brighter. And I hope that you get mad and sad and disappointed. Then I hope you laugh your ass off and drink too many beers and embarrass yourself because that, my darlings, is life.
1)Sad: Tonight I cried. I admit it and I didn't expect it. Have you ever heard someone passed and you didn't even know that person, but you cried for her? Tonight I was sad... because you have to respect those that came before you. Someone passed away today who wasn't even a personal friend, but a friend indeed. Tonight a hero has passed- and I pray for her soul to be safe and true. It saddens me when anyone dies but my heart breaks a little tonight in respect.
2) Mad: I lost something. It might be trivial but sometimes the one that got away is gone for sure. I learned that tonight. I had held out hope and kept a torch burning but it only burned down my house. So, tonight I am mad for the love I lost - and the love I never found.
3) Finally: Tonight I learned a lot about disappointment. Disappointment is a double-edged sword. See, it hurts a lot when someone lets you down but it hurts more when you can't forgive them. I surprised myself writing that one down.
So, tonight I write you with a heavy heart. But, I hope, and I pray for that matter, that you realize it is these tough times, the sad times that make the happy times much brighter. And I hope that you get mad and sad and disappointed. Then I hope you laugh your ass off and drink too many beers and embarrass yourself because that, my darlings, is life.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
love, dates and other half-truths
I was just getting my hair did today by my good friend, we will call sister-man. He was patting down my weave and talking to me about his love life and lack thereof when he asked me if I have blogged lately. At first I thought he was referring to my breath but then I realized he meant these internet writings. So, I wanted to tell you all about some bad dates I have done had. Dating is just a farce to me. I mean, there comes a point in a lady's life when you'd rather stay home with your taco bell and a George Clooney movie, am I right?
You might say, "mama you have done gone and gave up." I would say, " honey child, yes, yes I did. I gave it up and then I said this ain't worth all this work so I give up." Love gave up on me and I gave up on it- much like finding my waist line. I am of the humble opinion love is for the young and delusional. I feel the same way about Indian food, honey I can't stomach that after I turned 30. I have enough complicated relationships in my life- if I wanted to deal with some bull shit I would just call out the nursin home and ask to speak to my momma and 'em. I have much to say about love and how the various stage of love are much like a death- eventually you move on. But for today's lesson, chuldrun, we will talk about bad first dates. Let me run three of my very worst down for you- in order of duration:
1) 0:22 seconds I agreed foolishly to a blind date. I had talked with this fool about going to dinner, I don't know where Applebees or Olive Garden some place classy where I could order a mud slide to calm my nerves. When he changes plan and says, let's meet for a drink after work. Hmm... so I agree to pick him up at his work place because it was snowing and we would drive to a bar. Now, chuldrun, I could have been killed, hacked to death and murdered in my own trunk but I went for it all the same. I was young, fancy free and 42. I pulled up in my big Oldsmobile, he hopped in the car. We got to the end of the parking lot and he say, " hey, take me back. I need to go to work," I was shocked. I looked at him and realized he had a phone in his ear. Oh really? I hadn't heard it ring. He say he need to go back to the office, so I just threw that Oldsmobile in reverse and let him walk up the hill.
Why did this happen? Who knows. Maybe I had my saggy side boob showing, or spinach in my teeth. Maybe he mistook the smell of the Oldsmobile for my own body odor? I will never know and it began to pave the road of not givin' a shit anymore.
2) 22 minutes This time I met a gentleman caller for an adult beverage at a bar. I was nervous so I banged down my first Tom Collins. He goes on to tell me that he is a twin. "A twin? There's two of you?" This one was pretty but dry as a leaf in fall, honey. He was so boring. He said, "I have a twin sister." I replied, " Are ya'll identical?" He said, "no, she is a girl." I continued to imply that they were identical by asking, "so are ya'll identical?" He followed with, "you don't understand, identical isn't possible if one is male and one is female. It's called fraternal." Well, I was having a good belly laugh at good looking's misunderstanding that I was joking. This is part of the reason I am single- because I have a certain gift at being rude and calling it flirting. I am also single because I like my space. (Side note: I keep a suitcase at the foot of my bed incase I have a caller who thinks he is going to spend the night. I always have a fictitious flight early the next morning.) So then pretty boy goes on to tell me he is in law school, like I should be impressed. "It's awfully late for you to be in school. Have they held you back?" Again, he didn't laugh, so I continued, " I mean, I don't like lawyers. Especially that D.A. when he tried to go after me for statutory rape and murder. I mean, really, like I was going to admit that shit." I don't recall what happened after that thanks to my Mr. Tom Collins, but pretty boy lawyer asked for the check and left.
I got my revenge, however because one night I happened to be seated next to him at a bar. When my bill came, I pushed it over to him and said loudly to the bartender, this young lawyer man can buy my drinks. He owes me some.
3) A grande finale 1hour 45 minutes This date was the worst of all. We made it through dinner, and drinks and some dancing. When suddenly I couldn't find my date. Only to find he had left- with someone else, an ex of his. Well, it was a nice hour and a half, I spent 15 minutes trying to locate him through a haze of Purple Hooter Shooters. What can I say? It was the 70's.
Best luck with the humping, I mean dating. If I were you I would invest in a nice vibrator but be careful not to chip your teeth if you get out of control.
hugs
You might say, "mama you have done gone and gave up." I would say, " honey child, yes, yes I did. I gave it up and then I said this ain't worth all this work so I give up." Love gave up on me and I gave up on it- much like finding my waist line. I am of the humble opinion love is for the young and delusional. I feel the same way about Indian food, honey I can't stomach that after I turned 30. I have enough complicated relationships in my life- if I wanted to deal with some bull shit I would just call out the nursin home and ask to speak to my momma and 'em. I have much to say about love and how the various stage of love are much like a death- eventually you move on. But for today's lesson, chuldrun, we will talk about bad first dates. Let me run three of my very worst down for you- in order of duration:
1) 0:22 seconds I agreed foolishly to a blind date. I had talked with this fool about going to dinner, I don't know where Applebees or Olive Garden some place classy where I could order a mud slide to calm my nerves. When he changes plan and says, let's meet for a drink after work. Hmm... so I agree to pick him up at his work place because it was snowing and we would drive to a bar. Now, chuldrun, I could have been killed, hacked to death and murdered in my own trunk but I went for it all the same. I was young, fancy free and 42. I pulled up in my big Oldsmobile, he hopped in the car. We got to the end of the parking lot and he say, " hey, take me back. I need to go to work," I was shocked. I looked at him and realized he had a phone in his ear. Oh really? I hadn't heard it ring. He say he need to go back to the office, so I just threw that Oldsmobile in reverse and let him walk up the hill.
Why did this happen? Who knows. Maybe I had my saggy side boob showing, or spinach in my teeth. Maybe he mistook the smell of the Oldsmobile for my own body odor? I will never know and it began to pave the road of not givin' a shit anymore.
2) 22 minutes This time I met a gentleman caller for an adult beverage at a bar. I was nervous so I banged down my first Tom Collins. He goes on to tell me that he is a twin. "A twin? There's two of you?" This one was pretty but dry as a leaf in fall, honey. He was so boring. He said, "I have a twin sister." I replied, " Are ya'll identical?" He said, "no, she is a girl." I continued to imply that they were identical by asking, "so are ya'll identical?" He followed with, "you don't understand, identical isn't possible if one is male and one is female. It's called fraternal." Well, I was having a good belly laugh at good looking's misunderstanding that I was joking. This is part of the reason I am single- because I have a certain gift at being rude and calling it flirting. I am also single because I like my space. (Side note: I keep a suitcase at the foot of my bed incase I have a caller who thinks he is going to spend the night. I always have a fictitious flight early the next morning.) So then pretty boy goes on to tell me he is in law school, like I should be impressed. "It's awfully late for you to be in school. Have they held you back?" Again, he didn't laugh, so I continued, " I mean, I don't like lawyers. Especially that D.A. when he tried to go after me for statutory rape and murder. I mean, really, like I was going to admit that shit." I don't recall what happened after that thanks to my Mr. Tom Collins, but pretty boy lawyer asked for the check and left.
I got my revenge, however because one night I happened to be seated next to him at a bar. When my bill came, I pushed it over to him and said loudly to the bartender, this young lawyer man can buy my drinks. He owes me some.
3) A grande finale 1hour 45 minutes This date was the worst of all. We made it through dinner, and drinks and some dancing. When suddenly I couldn't find my date. Only to find he had left- with someone else, an ex of his. Well, it was a nice hour and a half, I spent 15 minutes trying to locate him through a haze of Purple Hooter Shooters. What can I say? It was the 70's.
Best luck with the humping, I mean dating. If I were you I would invest in a nice vibrator but be careful not to chip your teeth if you get out of control.
hugs
Sunday, May 16, 2010
grey gardens?
It is raining up in my living room. The damn roof leak has created a water feature that is neither zen nor relaxing for mama. The dern Buick won't start. This must be how Grey Garden's got started? I can't get to church which means I have 48 deviled eggs I made for the potluck to confort me. If it don't stop raining I might build me an ark out of the kids old Lincoln Logs. I don't need two of everything on my ark- just two bartenders and a hair dresser. Hello, Sundee mornin'
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