snow day

today was a snow day. I tried to get out but I slid the big sled about ten feet backwards and decided it was not worth it. Funny how an inch of snow translates to ice which doesn't look like anything but makes it just not worth it. Immediately put on my robe and slippers: this is what giving up feels like

Ever wonder?

So Mama is old now. I've come to embrace the fact that my age is catching up to me. While I am fighting the battle of the bulge, I realize I will never be a size two again. I do however, have ambition that my ass won't bounce off the back of my knees when I run. What I cannot conquer is my eyesight. I gave up and got glasses, which I'd been fighting. Now, for one thing I swear my non-glasses vision is worse than ever. I think my eyes are as lazy as my ass now. But what I cannot wrap my head around is what the hell happens everyday that gets my glasses so dirty. I mean, were my eyes this dirty before I started wearing the damn things? What are those little specs of dirt? Do I sneeze that much? How come I can never just clean them with my shirt tail and not get that damn smudge? I'd like to say I'd get lasik but I'd see that money going into a lipo jar before the lasik jar. That's really all Mama has to say today. I've enjoyed plenty of holiday cheer and I am wore out behind the second weekend cheers and holiday spirits. I'm off to hit up a hot toddy and put on my night robe.

End of the year Opportunity

The end of the year means a new start to most of us. It's an opportunity to start anew and make resolutions for the new year. A new year brings a new you. But, it's also an opportunity to reflect and be thankful for what you have and what you are.

Are you in good health? Do you have a job? Are you loved? Do you have family and friends you care about? It's time to close the book but remember what happened in this chapter. Here's to an even better 2010.

Mother Barry

PS Starting tomorrow I am going to give up sweets, drink less, eat more green things, plant a garden and run 10 miles a day- I'll stop lying to myself on Saturday when this buzz wears off.

Dollars and $ense

How come I got a bill for $0.18? It's from a long distance provider I no longer use and apparently I had a service charge that was pro-rated for the year coming out to less than a quarter. Now I know big companies cannot take right offs for every little bill but think about the math for a minute. The postage to send me the bill was more than the bill. The check I will write is going to be more than the bill and the stamp is more than double the bill. So, I might count out 18 pennies and put them in the envelope. Of course, some poor fool would have to process and count my change and I can't do that to anyone in good faith. I wonder if I don't pay if it would go to collections? It could accumulate decades of interest charges and I could lose my good credit rating.

the Gym Chronicles

Dear Old Cougar Lady at the Gym:

I am most happy for you that you have a flat stomach and some abs. However, I don't want to see your c-section scar. You should cover up. It is not appropriate to wear your sports bra as a top. I have on spanks but they're covered up under this XXL Detroit Tee. Seriously, I know it's in style to be a cougar or a milf but you look like an old hooker.

Day two of working out: Tried to row. Fell off backwards. Yelled something that sounded like this as I crashed against the wall Gyawd Daym. Found a chair that you sit in- thought this might be more my speed of a workout. However, when you sit in this chair you are spred from Monday - Thursday like you went in the gynochronologist ( you go to the gynochronologist just to see how old your vagina really is). Then you push your legs together. This is supposed to work your inner thighs. I felt like a huzzy tramp and no body bought me a steak dinner. I am already sore so my vagina may write me a dear jonn letter tomorrow.

This whole gym thing is a real sub-set of American culture. It's a mating grounds for people who can't go to bars.

Secrets

We all have secrets. There are things we've all done that we aren't proud of. There are things I do that I don't think is anyone else's business. There are things you do that you wouldn't want me to know. But, have you ever done something you can't imagine confiding in any one?

I have loose lips and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Some folks live a double life and you never know it. Sometimes it comes out and more often than not I tell everything I know. I find it freeing I guess. But there are some things you take to the grave.

I want to write down a secret and mail it in... http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Day after Christmas (a story about personal space)

I don't want you children to picture Mama in the wrong light. First, I am generally a calm and collected lady, but after spending too much time with the family I can get a bit testy. Also, I am by no means in good shape but I do go to the gym on a regular basis. I am not one of those Jane Fonda tape lovers or juicy pants wear-ers. The bottom area of my jeans is juicy and I don't need no sign.

So, today I went to get a quick workout in to burn off some of the wine I consumed on the day of the Baby Jesus's birth. This same wine made things more tolerable for our big ass Christmas dinner. So, I went in and I get on this machine which is the same machine I've been using for about five years now> I call it wine-hater. So I am sweating off the last of my buzz and residuals and I am positioned between two other co-sweaters. To my left is a large bottomed middle aged woman we will refer to as Agnes because she looks to me like every Agnes I've ever known. Well agnes is on an elyptical machine and she has some arm weights and is going to town. She is waving her arms about like she's getting saved at the Sunday service, but children it's a Saturday morning. To my right is a mid-30 something gentleman who may or may not be a singer of questionable sexual orientation. Now, first let me ask you to please hold your comments and letters as Mama don't care which team you play for. I don't care where you stick it - as long as you finish has always been my mantra. If I'm not in bed with you I don't need to know. But this gentleman, let's call him Methy because he was acting as though he might be coming off some holiday high on his treadmill. He was running and singing and he had his eyes closed and making little hand gestures. I couldn't help but watch him with a strange expression on my own face.

Now, I admit that I do enjoy a good song on my ipod. And, admittedly I will move my mouth and occasionally belt out a lyric or two from the GLEE soundtrack but old Methy was working out the entire choreography from what I can only imagine was Dream Girls or any given Beyonce tour. I mean, he was giving it a show - including the finger guns. You know that move where you pretend your fingers are a gun? Well, now that I think of it maybe he was singing Bang, Bang by Miss Cher? Or that Ricky Martin She Bangs song? I don't know why I care but I was really into the show - when... what the hell? Agnes's hang grazed the end of my nose.

Now, here I am minding my own business in between these two monkeys and Agnes has moved on to some move where she appears to be swimming - but only on the top half of her body. No body told the bottom half which was still on the damn elyptical machine. I jerked and looked over and poor Agnes still had her eyes closed. I imagined she thought she was that Darryl Hannah girl in the movie Splash. I glanced around and wondered if people were watching us. We must have looked like we were rehearsing for the half-time show at the Special Olympics.

So, I get my 25 minutes of sweat in and gather my things to go. I only do 25 because that's all Dr. Oz says I have to for good heart health. Then I get in the Cadillac and head over to get my lunch. You might ask what to eat after a cardio work out? Well Moe's, moderately priced Mexican take out has always been my favorite. I am standing in line when this woman with a bowl hair cut walks in behind me. Clearly, Bowl-head (as we will call her) is impatient because she is standing so close to me she could advise me on a better nightly mud mask. Honestly, children that Russian lady that gives me a facial doesn't get that close to pop a zit. I am in line and about three feet from the family in front of me and Bowl Lady is right up in my business. The man behind the counter asks if I am the proud owner of the kids burrito and I explained it was for the people in front of me. Then Bowl-Head chimes in, "If you move up they'll ring you up. " I turned to her and said sternly, " not before the family in front of me." She replied back, "I thought you were together." I couldn't resist saying, "Nope. I am trying to give them some space." I turn back around and wait my turn and about a minute goes by when I hear Bowl-Head huff and say, "this is taking forever." Now, chuldren, this whole incident took less than five minutes. I turn to Bowl-Lady and say, "Excuse me?" She huffs, "This is taking forever." That's when I thought I would lose my mind but I remembered I was in a work-out outfit and probably not looking so sane or smelling so good and it would be best to avoid a confrontation that could end up in a deposition. So, I smiled my best shit eating smile and said, " I think we'll all be okay if we wait our turn. It's a burrito we're both waiting on not world peace." But, Bowl-Head wouldn't let it go. She had to get the last word in, "Well I have things to do today." Is this bitch kidding me? She needs to go get a hair cut from the last two decades or get her tv fixed because she is getting fashion advice from that damn show FACTS OF LIFE. Instead, I stood still, very still and when we got to the register I said, "Would you like to go ahead? You've made it clear you're in a bigger hurry than the rest of us hear? I wouldn't want to hold you up. I'm just thrilled that they let me check out of the institution today to get my burrito on the outside." Then I paid for my lunch and Bowl-Lady's burrito and said, "I hope you have a better day you rude woman." I figured it was worth the $6.50 to say my peace.