Saturday, February 5, 2011

How to Meet a RICH Man

Honey chilrun, I keep getting asked this same querstion all the damn time. All my little nieces, gram-babies, cousins, all want to ask me- motherbarry, how do you meet yourself a rich man? It's simple, honey!

Ok, so I am talking to this sweet little girl last night and she says she is trying to find herself a sugar daddy. Do you know what she is doing? She is going to trendy bars and clubs. Let me tell you something honey- them there places are for players and playboys. You don't want to be played. If you go to the trendy places you will find men who pretend to be rich, homo-sexuals and sluts. That's all you get. Get out the bar!

Here is what you do- get yourself a copy of Road & Track Car Buyers Guide. Then, bring your ass down to the local expensive car dealership. Do not screw this part up- it is tricky! Try to find a Porsche dealer. Don't go BMW or Lexus- they have too many cheap cars. Try a Porsche place. You will be amazed. Go and park your Toyota Corolla far away and walk up into the service department and hunker down. Bring a book, bring your homework, freaking knit- be prepared to wait it out. Men hunt for deer this way- you are looking for your prey.

Now, here is the thing- a nice Porsche dealer has a nice customer lounge complete with leather couches, flat screens, complimentary snacks and a latte machine! Make yourself at home and wait for the rich men to come in to get their over-priced boy toys fixed. And, for God's sake- look good but don't look like you fell out of a nightclub.

Now, for the trapping... when you see a nice man come in make eye contact. Ask him what time it is- this way you can see his watch. Also, very important. Hopefully, you can strike up conversation about how you're waiting on your Porsche to be repaired. Now, most importantly- have that Road & Track near by so you can reference the Porsche models. Ask your new man which Porsche he drives. If he says Boxster- say politely it's nice to meet him and move along. You need a man with a more expensive model, be prepared to wait this out a few days if necessary. If a dealership employee questions you- tell them you are waiting to pick up your boss when he/she drops off her Porsche and act very bothered. If necessary tell them you have cramps- nothing sends someone away faster than the threat of a woman with cramps.

Ok, so let's say you find a man and he has the right model... let's say he says TURBO. Then you know it's "go time"! So, casually ask him what part of town he lives in as you complain about the wait time. Suggest to him that you could split a cab? Then - bam- you're on your way out the door. You always let him be dropped off first and you just happen to remember that your wallet is in your fictional Porsche at the dealer. If he is any kind of gentleman he will give you some cash to cover the ride. Then you tell him you simply must repay him and make plans for drinks! See- you've met a rich man.

Bonus: you get to see where he lives. If there's a minivan in the driveway do NOT call him. Repeat DO NOT call him.

Well, I am exhausted from all this tutoring. If you like this let me know, I can take you to the next chapter: old sugar daddies vs middle-aged ones who is better?