Wednesday, July 11, 2012

a few thoughts on Dallas, the NEW Dallas

When I was just a mere child, and as I grew into  a young promiscuous girl, I was infatuated with a show named DALLAS.  DALLAS was everything. Our life stopped to watch that show. You could hear the theme music through our ranch home. I dreamed of a life where I could be a glamorous drunk like Sue Ellen- and look at me now. Yes, kids, dreams can come true.

Who didn't want that life? The family drama?  (Wow, this does hit close to home)  Except, I never got that yellow Mercedes convertible and I shy away from sequins.

But, the new DALLAS is missing something... namely the OLD DALLAS! Where is the glitz? The drama? First of all everyone from Wisteria Lane moved to new DALLAS. That lady who shot herself and started off DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (which was entertaining for the first 2 seasons before it went off the rails and got ridick) is the new PAM? What the hell? Ok, I get it she isn't the old Pam, she is the 2nd wife.  Pam, was injured in an accident, had to have lots of plastic surgery and moved away. I mean, who hasn't had that happen in real life? Everyone has that tragic plastic surgery Aunt. Right?

The old gardener is now the adopted Ewing... bored. Is it just me or is this one dull? I say... Not enough Sue Ellen and JR. I know they are geriatric but for God's sake give them an Ensure and Depends and get em on the damn show! That's what I want to see. I don't want to see Bobby Ewing have cancer- that shit is too real. Unless next season he is in the shower and Old Pam is back and it's all a dream? Take a note writers: you can save this shit, still!

And, what the hell is going on with Larry Hagman's eyebrows? Do they have hair and makeup people? I know it's TNT but damn.  Imagine if this show was in 3-D Imax. You would literally be ducking from those eyebrows.
<--check this shit out

Lastly, is it just me or does SouthFork need some serious renovations? It doesn't seem like it is nearly as grand as it was in the 1980's but it does still have those 80's-tastic yellow awnings. That house must get a ton of direct sunlight to require so many awnings.  Get with it Ewing family- plantation shutter that shack up! Remodel- blow out a wing. I want to see a pool with a rock grotto treatment. This house looks dull. You are billionaires!   The interior shots look like any given model house in suburban Los Angeles- not the good parts- the Valley!    Wisteria lane was ballin' more than you!

Even when they cut away to the young Dallas cast- they live in what appear to be hotel rooms. What? You are billionaire kids and you live in a hotel?  I got family members who stay up in the Holiday Inn Express and Extended Stay but I don't brag about it!

Someone, please Help DALLAS.  America needs this! It's a horrible economy, but NOT for the damn Ewings!  What is next? Will Dynasty be based in a subdivision? Do the Carringtons end up in damn gated community? Did Falcon Crest sell the vineyard and move to a reasonably priced condo? Is Knots Landing moving to a cul de sac in a trailer park?

I need the 1980s glamour back. We need a cat fight in expensive clothes. Get a gay HGTV decorator to fix that  house up.  Wax and trim Larry. Let's get this on point. I don't want my memories to be jaded. We need to aspire to live BETTER and hate people who have more money than us, but love that they fight all the time and are secret alcoholics with evil twin sisters who are carrying their husband's illegitimate baby. This is what we are missing America!

Who SHOT JR? That was real tv. Do it again. Bring it back- but this time tazer his old ass. He can take it just watch those eyebrows they could go up in flames.  That's all.


Monday, July 9, 2012

Nora Ephron's Egg Salad Recipe

I had the pleasure of knowing Nora Ephron. I am saddened but also celebrating Nora, so I wanted to share. Once I asked Nora about her experience at Huff Post and she said, "Before I can finish my thoughts, Arianna has a team working on it." She was a special lady.

 "I am no one from nowhere." That is how I started my conversation with Nora Ephron. I meant it and she grinned back at me across the table of a crowded restaurant on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Over a year prior to our lunch, I'd bid on a meet and greet with Nora Ephron on, an auction site that benefits charities. The proceeds of our meeting went to Rosie's Broadway Kids foundation.

To be honest, I wasn't even sure it would happen, it took a year to schedule the meeting. I literally was, and am, nobody to someone like Nora Ephron. I bid on the auction feverishly and at the last minute outbid someone for five times the appraised value of the auction for a lunch in NYC with Nora. It was the deal of a lifetime for me. I loved her movies, but even more, I loved her words. I had every book and the older movies on VHS. I am a Nora Ephr-fan.

 The charity contacted me and asked for dates to set up a lunch in NYC with Ms. Ephron. I placed my bid and won on December 3, 2009. I had an instant moment of panic when I realized I had to pay what I had bid. I wanted to wait and meet her in the spring, planning my own New York fantasy vacation. But life got in the way. I injured myself and couldn't travel, Nora had a book tour, and one thing and then another. We went on for over a year scheduling and re-scheduling. I always knew it would happen, we just had to find the right time and I tried every month.

 Then, magically, I was told that Nora had an opening on Monday, February 28, 2011. I booked my flight on February 23 and couldn't sleep at all that night. The next morning I realized that Monday was the day after the Oscars. How could I have lunch with Nora Ephron the day after the Oscars, when I hadn't even seen the nominated films? I could die. I feared I might drown in my own sweat that night. Thankfully, Nora wasn't going and had not been nominated. I decided it was more important to worry over my clothes. I arrived an hour early for our lunch. I paced in front of the deli on Madison Avenue. My heart was beating through my chest. What was I going to say? Why had I come all this way? Why did I spend this money? Why is my tie so tight? Did I put on deodorant? This may not end well.

 I sat as calmly as I could on the edge of a bench two doors down from the restaurant with a bag of bath oils. I knew Nora had a favorite bath oil from reading her books, and I decided it was better to play it safe than be original. I went in and got a table at the window and waited for Nora's arrival.

She arrived punctually and I bounded for the door as soon as I saw her walking up the street. I threw open the door and said, "Mrs. Ephron, I believe I am your lunch date." She smiled and led the way into the restaurant. I told her I had a table for us already. She took one look and said, " No, no one wants to sit in the window." She stopped the host and said we'd be sitting in the back corner. And, just like that, we did.

 We made small talk. She ordered about ten different salads and we shared. I was shaking under the table as she strongly encouraged me to try the egg salad. I'd never had egg salad despite being from Tennessee. From that day on, it was Nora Ephron's egg salad. Nora was exactly what I expected: sharp, quick-witted and kind more than anything else. She gave me career advice without being a cheerleader. She read my work and told me it was good, and I almost fainted. I said, "Nora, you don't have to say that. I paid for this lunch." She insisted that she was buying lunch and she was honest.

 She told me that she knew a little about my home town and she had friends in Nashville. I asked her who, making a joke that it was a small town. She turned to me with a clever grin and slyly asked, " Do you know Ke$ha?" I am sitting across from Nora Ephron and she asks me if I know the pop sensation Ke$ha? Well, it turns out her son is in the band. Nora told me she'd enjoyed bacon from the Lovelace Cafe in Nashville and she wanted to visit. We talked about vacations and places we had been and wanted to visit. Nora was charming and I was in love.

 After lunch I thanked her for her time, and expected our two hours had come to a close. She walked me to the end of the block and asked what I was doing next. I told her I had no plans, and she put her arm in mine and we walked down the block. I wanted to visit the Ralph Lauren store and she told me all about it. As we walked, we passed by a bakery that said it was the "very best chocolate cake in the world." She insisted we had to try it. So we went in and split two pieces of cake. What is better, I ask you?

We wandered down the street and made small talk and I walked Nora to her building before going over to the store to shop. Of course, my head was swimming and I raced back to the hotel to call my sister and tell her all about my lunch.

 For more than a year, we exchanged emails and recipes. Nora gave me her egg salad recipe and emailed me the next day to tell me to mix it with knife because a fork would mash the eggs too much. I told her how I liked to microwave a frozen chocolate cake so you could get just the right amount of gooey hot chocolate and chilled cake.

For her 70th birthday, I sent her a gift basket from the breakfast place in Nashville she liked. I received the following email: You are so adorable and kind to send me THE MOST FABULOUS PACKAGE OF GOODIES. I cannot wait to make this bacon, try this biscuit mix, and put jam all over it. Hope you are good and happy .... Thank you thank you. xx Nora

My heart is heavy today. I am sad because I lost a friend but selfishly I will miss her words. I want to see another movie, read another book and get another emailed recipe. Someone said that Nora had a knack for making the most ordinary people also the most extraordinary characters. I know that this was not just a talent, but also the heart of Nora Ephron: an amazingly brilliant woman who was sensationally kind and relatable. 

 Egg Salad from Nora Ephron: This is literally how she wrote it to me: Throw away at least 1/4 of the whites. Maybe even 1/3 of the whites. Add a bunch of Hellmann's mayonnaise and blend with knives, but don't mash it up with a fork. Salt & pepper. Also you could put in a tiny bit of chopped fresh dill but that is optional.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The end of the world MARGARITA recipe

if you have ever wanted the world's best margarita, and I know you have... Here is my recipe:
1) liberal amount of tequila ( I always put vanilla beans in my tequila, it kills the bite and provides a nice finish)
2) shot of Grand Marnier
3) splash of Amaretto (more if you want it sweet)
4) 1/3 fill of sour or margarita mix- i like the light mix because no body wants to be fat, even a drunk, especially a fat drunk. that is recipe for disaster.
5) fill the remainder, which should be very little at this point unless you are making it in a big gulp, with soda water to give it that crisp-ness
Serve over ice, the more ice the better, trust me. You can always make more
It's saved my day more than once. Including tonight. The "end of the world margarita"
It is just like you're here drinking with me, right kids?

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

What does the 4th of July mean to you?

My favorite things about the 4th:
1) Sparklers- because baby I'm a firework
2) " Cold-Slaw" with lots of mayo because I can't get enough mayo
3) Watching the children's eyes light up like Christmas morning and I never had to make a trip to an over-crowded Toys R Us
4) Swimming pools- usually inflatable or above ground
5) My one piece swim suit with a ruffle - to accentuate my "middle America"
6) American flags everywhere- especially as hair accessories
 7) Paper plates that break due to baked beans saturation
8) Watermelon (soaked in vodka, please)
9) Corn on the cob with bbq sauce, try it
10) Having the day off work to stuff myself and blow thangs up!

 God bless America!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Adele is pregnant (imagine the new album lyrics)

Adele is pregnant. Am I the only one terrified by this? Please don't get me wrong I adore her, but let's face it, bitch is ballsy. Her last major life event was the big break up, and we heard all about it.

Am I the only person that feels the urge to run over my ex with a bus while listening to that cd? Who was this guy that broke her heart? (Maybe Katie Holmes was ghost writing songs for Adele?)

We know from "Someone like You" he is settled down and married now. His poor, poor new wife. You know she cringes everytime that song that comes on. And it comes ALL the time. You know every fight they have ends with "just take your ass back to Adele, I heard she's looking for someone like you".

Now listen... We've all suffered that one (or two or twelve) break up that made us crazy. The only difference between the rest of us and Adele is she wrote all that crazy down with a nice melody and made a bizillion dollars. I could had written song titled "Oops, I Keyed Your New Car Asshole." 

Anyhow, back to pregnancy... If you've ever been pregnant or know someone that's been pregnant, you know pregnancy hormones can take crazy to a whole new level. If you think she ripped that last boyfriend to shreds, imagine what she's going to do to the new baby daddy in a few months.

I imagine her next album will be titled "Nine Months" and it will have songs like "Nevermind I'd Rather Sleep Than Have Sex With You-wooooo", "Don't Forget the Diaper Bag, I Beg", "He Won't Sleep" and "Set Fire to the Breast Pump".

 I wish I had dollar for everytime I've said to my kids or my husband, in my soulful british accent "just cause I said it, don't mean that I meant it."

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Robert Downey Jr, junior

Tonight someone told me that I looked like Robert Downey, Jr. Immediately, I thought to myself... "self, this might be the time for a one night stand. If you look like RD,jr you should close the deal." But then I thought... nope this isn't going to end well. No one wants to go to bed with Robert Downey, Jr and wake up with me. That just makes for an awkward dismount the next morning. I will spare myself the clumsy conversation over an Egg McMuffin and go home alone.

glasses and the Olsen twins on aging

I noticed tonight that my new glasses make my gigantic face look smaller in pictures. I will do ANYTHING to appear thinner, especially in photographs. Let's be honest the pictures will outlast me. I want someone, someday, to flip through a photo album and say, damn he looked much better than I remember. So the new frames make me look thinner- it is only a matter of time until I am wearing giant BOZO the CLOWN glasses. I am okay with this. As you age- like when you are really old you shrink. And, the older you are the more often you feel cold and you want a sweater and a scarf and big baggy clothes. By the time I am 80 I will look exactly like Mary-Kate Olsen.