Wednesday, July 4, 2012

What does the 4th of July mean to you?

My favorite things about the 4th:
1) Sparklers- because baby I'm a firework
2) " Cold-Slaw" with lots of mayo because I can't get enough mayo
3) Watching the children's eyes light up like Christmas morning and I never had to make a trip to an over-crowded Toys R Us
4) Swimming pools- usually inflatable or above ground
5) My one piece swim suit with a ruffle - to accentuate my "middle America"
6) American flags everywhere- especially as hair accessories
 7) Paper plates that break due to baked beans saturation
8) Watermelon (soaked in vodka, please)
9) Corn on the cob with bbq sauce, try it
10) Having the day off work to stuff myself and blow thangs up!

 God bless America!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Adele is pregnant (imagine the new album lyrics)

Adele is pregnant. Am I the only one terrified by this? Please don't get me wrong I adore her, but let's face it, bitch is ballsy. Her last major life event was the big break up, and we heard all about it.

Am I the only person that feels the urge to run over my ex with a bus while listening to that cd? Who was this guy that broke her heart? (Maybe Katie Holmes was ghost writing songs for Adele?)

We know from "Someone like You" he is settled down and married now. His poor, poor new wife. You know she cringes everytime that song that comes on. And it comes ALL the time. You know every fight they have ends with "just take your ass back to Adele, I heard she's looking for someone like you".

Now listen... We've all suffered that one (or two or twelve) break up that made us crazy. The only difference between the rest of us and Adele is she wrote all that crazy down with a nice melody and made a bizillion dollars. I could had written song titled "Oops, I Keyed Your New Car Asshole." 

Anyhow, back to pregnancy... If you've ever been pregnant or know someone that's been pregnant, you know pregnancy hormones can take crazy to a whole new level. If you think she ripped that last boyfriend to shreds, imagine what she's going to do to the new baby daddy in a few months.

I imagine her next album will be titled "Nine Months" and it will have songs like "Nevermind I'd Rather Sleep Than Have Sex With You-wooooo", "Don't Forget the Diaper Bag, I Beg", "He Won't Sleep" and "Set Fire to the Breast Pump".

 I wish I had dollar for everytime I've said to my kids or my husband, in my soulful british accent "just cause I said it, don't mean that I meant it."