Friday, June 18, 2010

DMV- showdown

Mama done up and sold the Buick. I said to hell with it kiddies, time to get a new ride. Some nice old man bought my sled. He was about 137 by best guess but I really appreciate his generosity. Fortunately, he didn't see that dent from where I hit the ATM or the time I backed over the neighbor kid and his bike. He only saw a good deal and a lime green metallic paint job.

So, me and Father Time go walking into the DMV to get the title for him and get him on his way. Let me back track and tell you that this was the 2nd place we went. The country folks working at the County Clerk's office told me to "go on down there to the state to get that man a title and his driver's tag." Ok, I do what the middle management says to do.

So we stand in line and wait and wait. THen we get a number and wait, and wait. Then they tell me, "Sorry we can't do this. If the car is going over state lines he needs to get a temporary tag there." I scratch my wig and ask, " Can he drive on my tag?" The man whose name tag read BUBA,yes spelt wrong and all... Buba says, "Naw he can't. He needs to get one from Michigan." Ok, so this goes back and forth because Father Time lives in Michigan and bought my Buick here in Tennessee. But, he can't take my tag, and TN won't give him a temp tag- so how the hell is he supposed to get it back the Michigan?

Buba: Ma'am you need to have him get the title and get that tag.
Me: SO he can't drive it until then?
Bub: Nope
Me: How is he supposed to get it back to Michigan
Buba: Ma'am you've asked me this already.
Me: I simply don't understand.
Buba: It ain't my problem

I told the less than helpful folks at the state clerk's office:
"Sir, Mr. Bubba. I understand you think you are helping me.I UNDERSTAND you don't want to help me anymore. I understand you don't want to be professional or courteous. But PLEASE understand that I don't want to be here either. Now I understand you probably have a button where you can push for security to come in 30 seconds, but let me assure you Mr. Bubba, that this will be the longest 30 seconds of your life if you don't start being respectful to me. Now, kindly ring your manager and tell him there is a Customer here who would request his or her assistance. Because you see, it AIN'T my problem isn't an answer."

I left with no drive out tag but I did get a small applause from the folks in line.

Monday, June 14, 2010

amended rules of travel

1) A gate change is nothing personal. pack yourself, your shit and your screaming kids up and walk to the new gate. Stop complaining like it ruined your trip
3) Eat your food before you board. Others do not want to smell it. Maybe I am not in the mood for your nachos smell for 3 hours? Maybe I am not feeling italian today. Maybe I don't want to smell your cinna-bun? Who am I kidding. It is a good thing that heiffer wasn't sitting next to me or I'd have snatched that Cinna-bun up for my own self.
4) Babies on a plane: do not hate the babies. They don't know any better. They think their head may actually explode from the pressure. Hate the parents. If you took your 1 year old to the beach you are an unfit mother - "plane and simple." Babies don't need to fly. You can skip Myrtle Beach this year. Instead, tan your tramp stamp at your local trailerpark swimming hole.
4.5) Babies continued, I will play peek-aboo with the kid if I want to. But, do not think it gets you off the hook. You hear that jeans shorts lady?
5) Jean Shorts are not appropriate for plane, or forever.
5.5) People used to dress for a plane. I know the 1950s were my glory years but you are still in public. this isn't a sleepover with you and 120 of your college friends. Wear clothes not your damn pajamas.
6) Leave the arm rest where it is. If you are too fat to sit in the seat, I am sorry. But you don't get to lay on top of me. Drive to your destination, or better yet walk.
7) Over heard bin space is limited: please do not bring a taped up bag full of "Precious MOments" dolls you got at the local shit store. I want to throw my Jessica Simpson Magic Carpet Ride VIP rolling luggage up there. I don't care if your purchase is too big and might get damaged. Fed Ex makes a living off of shipping that crap for people just like you. This is an airplane meant for people and their bags not your early bird christmas shopping in Pigeon Forge.
8) If I am sleeping on the plane, please do not wake me to ask if I want a soda pop. If I want a Pepsi I will be awake. Some bonehead poked me and asked if I wanted a coke. Well, I did want it- I wanted to throw it on him for being such a dumbass.
9) Keep your shoes on. If you take your shoes of on the plane we will all smell your feet. Worse yet, I will see your feet inches from me. I am likely to scream, point or laugh at you. Keep your damn shoes on.
10) i say it again: IT IS RUDE TO RECLINE YOUR SEAT IN COACH. Nothing better than a balding crown 3 inches from my face. I wanted to pull out my SHARPIE and leave him a note: baldy is inconsiderate of other's personal space. Hope you enjoyed your nap

Bonus: Electronic devices are approved for use during flight- BUT I don't really want to hear the Barney Theme song for 2.5 hours. Get some damn headphones or leave it at home.

thank you for flying bitchy air