Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Girl Scout Nazi

You are not going to believe this shit, darlin.

So I answer the door today and this little, tiny, cute thing is staring up at me. She had dark hair and pig tails and glasses. "What kind of girl scout cookies would you like?" Being one to appreciate a good pitch like that, I laughed and said, " Oh sweetheart, I am sorry I bought some already from my neighbor." She didn't like this answer and she belted back, "But I am your neighbor" and readily spilled out her address. Immediately her arms crossed and I got nervous like I was about to be mugged and taken down by a 10-year old. In my defense, she had a lot of badges I had no idea what she was capable of.

"Well, I am sorry. But I have four boxes and I don't need anymore do I?" I pointed to my belly thinking humor might soften the blow, but I did not judge my audience at all. "Who did you buy them from?" Well now the little bitch was putting me on the spot. Did she not believe me? Was she testing me? Who is she to stand on my porch... these thoughts are going through my mind just as quickly as these thoughts- Is this shirt clean? Do I have on shoes? Did I zip up my fly?

"I don't know her name. She lives on the corner. She has a sister. They're blonde..." The girl scout Nazi was giving me a blank stare and no relief. "Her mommy is pretty and she drives a white Mercedes." Then she shoves the order form at me and continues the questioning, " When did she bring them to you?" I was getting nervous. I think I had armpit sweat off this little heifer. "Uhm, well, let me see. I think it was, I think had to be Tuesday? No, maybe Monday. Does it matter?"

"This was supposed to be my house. She isn't even in my troop." I am imagining some girl scout teamster meeting- 'Ok, Sally you get the west quadrant of Green Hills up to Belle Meade. Suzy, you're on the east side of Hillsboro. Jennifer, damn it stay out of the southwest end- don't you cross Estes Road, you got that?"

My day dream was interrupted. "Well, I'm going to talk to her." She grimaced and walked away but as soon as she hit the yard she began to skip. This little girl is going to grow up to run the world I thought- or at least have a successful empire of arts and crafts television shows, books and magazines. She won't stand for anything less.

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