Wednesday, August 18, 2010

my apologies

now listen, your mother regrets... and I rarely say I am sorry first... I have neglected you kids. I have done treated you bad, I didn't pay you enough attention. It's the emotional equivalent of locking you in the parking lot at Wal-mart with the windows cracked on a hot August day. I, sincerely regret it. You see, and this is no excuse, Mama has been working like an immigrant in a nail salon, like a child in a sweat shop, like Melanie Griffin in that movie WORKING GIRL. I have been to more than 10 cities this month. I've been turning tricks like Tiger woods.

But, I will tell you what I have brought back a few pearls from all my travels...
1) People are at their absolute worst in the airports
2) It's a moral sin and character flaw to cut line while exiting a plane. Wait your damn turn, I am stuck in the damn toy poodle size seat
3) Never, ever, recline your seat in coach unless that damn flight is longer than 2 hours it's just rude
4) Rental cars are probably less clean than public toilets
5) Approach a self flushing toilet with caution
6) Flight attendants don't like to be called air mattress even in a joking manner
7) Chain restaurants are comforting, like the way they give you gas and indigestion all night but are familiar
8) Chinese buffet is never a good idea in a strip mall near the airport
9) Tip the house keeper or she might use your toothbrush in the toilet bowl
10) Does it break your jaw to say please and thank you to people?

And now a bonus: Why do so many people build houses that look like olive gardens?

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