Monday, June 14, 2010

amended rules of travel

1) A gate change is nothing personal. pack yourself, your shit and your screaming kids up and walk to the new gate. Stop complaining like it ruined your trip
3) Eat your food before you board. Others do not want to smell it. Maybe I am not in the mood for your nachos smell for 3 hours? Maybe I am not feeling italian today. Maybe I don't want to smell your cinna-bun? Who am I kidding. It is a good thing that heiffer wasn't sitting next to me or I'd have snatched that Cinna-bun up for my own self.
4) Babies on a plane: do not hate the babies. They don't know any better. They think their head may actually explode from the pressure. Hate the parents. If you took your 1 year old to the beach you are an unfit mother - "plane and simple." Babies don't need to fly. You can skip Myrtle Beach this year. Instead, tan your tramp stamp at your local trailerpark swimming hole.
4.5) Babies continued, I will play peek-aboo with the kid if I want to. But, do not think it gets you off the hook. You hear that jeans shorts lady?
5) Jean Shorts are not appropriate for plane, or forever.
5.5) People used to dress for a plane. I know the 1950s were my glory years but you are still in public. this isn't a sleepover with you and 120 of your college friends. Wear clothes not your damn pajamas.
6) Leave the arm rest where it is. If you are too fat to sit in the seat, I am sorry. But you don't get to lay on top of me. Drive to your destination, or better yet walk.
7) Over heard bin space is limited: please do not bring a taped up bag full of "Precious MOments" dolls you got at the local shit store. I want to throw my Jessica Simpson Magic Carpet Ride VIP rolling luggage up there. I don't care if your purchase is too big and might get damaged. Fed Ex makes a living off of shipping that crap for people just like you. This is an airplane meant for people and their bags not your early bird christmas shopping in Pigeon Forge.
8) If I am sleeping on the plane, please do not wake me to ask if I want a soda pop. If I want a Pepsi I will be awake. Some bonehead poked me and asked if I wanted a coke. Well, I did want it- I wanted to throw it on him for being such a dumbass.
9) Keep your shoes on. If you take your shoes of on the plane we will all smell your feet. Worse yet, I will see your feet inches from me. I am likely to scream, point or laugh at you. Keep your damn shoes on.
10) i say it again: IT IS RUDE TO RECLINE YOUR SEAT IN COACH. Nothing better than a balding crown 3 inches from my face. I wanted to pull out my SHARPIE and leave him a note: baldy is inconsiderate of other's personal space. Hope you enjoyed your nap

Bonus: Electronic devices are approved for use during flight- BUT I don't really want to hear the Barney Theme song for 2.5 hours. Get some damn headphones or leave it at home.

thank you for flying bitchy air

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