Thursday, January 13, 2011

the day I almost died

You know how you get reruns of Oprah sometimes, well today's blog is a rerun, an oldie but a goodie


So, yes I had a near death experience on Halloween of all days. Picture it: I was at the Palm having a business lunch. I was witha client that I adore and have a little crush on. She is very excitable and talkative- so it took her a few mintues to realize I was actually choking to death.

Let me back up and tell you that this was after I had to get on the floor and crawl around under the table looking for my blackberry (which I had dropped). I am all about making a good impression- the picture of professionalism. "Excuse me, I will be right back." And, poof under the table I go as if immigration had raided the joint.

So, back to my elusive death scene. We were talking, I remember laughing a little. I was having a tenderloin (petite for those of you that are interested and it was good, damn good). Suddenly, I thought I had taken a bite too large or something. I took a hard swi on my diet coke. But... nothing. Have you ever felt like you have some food just stuck and you can usually force it down with a drink or a hard swallow?

Well, this goes on for a few minutes. My lunch partner unaware I am dying inside. She asks me a question and I can't respond. I can't speak and I am starting to realize I am choking. The end is near and all I can think is- I DONT WANNA GO DOWN LIKE MAMA CAS!

This is not how I want to die- at a restaurant. I mean, sure it's a nice place but how embarrassing. Even the best of my friends will snicker at the funeral. My client says, "Oh God, you are blue. You are choking." I am really annoyed because I am trying to be Mr. Suave and I run to the bathroom. I literally shove an old white lady out of the way who is standing blocking the doorway. She was so concerned someone would get the last business lunch filet special. She scowled and called me rude as I ran past her to the bathroom.

I remembered how my cats cough up fur balls. These damn cats saved my life- and finally I dislodged the steak and proceeded to barf like a fool. Then I get light headed. I don't want to die like Elvis in the bathroom, people will say.. oh yeah she died on the toilet. Can you imagine the giggles at my funeral service?

It is amazing the things you think about before death in a public place. I wasn't thinking about my family, or walking toward a light. I was thinking- NO, DAMN IT, NO. I haven't done all the things I want to do. I haven't been accused of an indecent act in public, had a taudry affair with a teenager, been sued for sexual harrassment, won the lottery, sang on American Idol, or dated Paula Abdul. I haven't done a shot with Courtney Love, been sky diving, passed out with George Micheal or had a fight with anyone from Dancing with the Stars. I never met Monica Lewinsky or Oprah or Gayle King or any of my idols. I want to live damn it.

So, I pulled the cat thing off and managed to barf-huff out the poisonous beef. Then (the worst part) I walked back to my table ashamed and people looked at me like I was fool. I am sure most of them thought I was a rude bastard or had explosive diarhea, both could be true but not today. So, I 've made it through halloween so far. It's time for tricks and treats. I am off to consume my weight in Almond Joys. God bless, shalome and may the force be with you and your loved ones this holiday season.

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