Wednesday, July 11, 2012

a few thoughts on Dallas, the NEW Dallas

When I was just a mere child, and as I grew into  a young promiscuous girl, I was infatuated with a show named DALLAS.  DALLAS was everything. Our life stopped to watch that show. You could hear the theme music through our ranch home. I dreamed of a life where I could be a glamorous drunk like Sue Ellen- and look at me now. Yes, kids, dreams can come true.

Who didn't want that life? The family drama?  (Wow, this does hit close to home)  Except, I never got that yellow Mercedes convertible and I shy away from sequins.

But, the new DALLAS is missing something... namely the OLD DALLAS! Where is the glitz? The drama? First of all everyone from Wisteria Lane moved to new DALLAS. That lady who shot herself and started off DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (which was entertaining for the first 2 seasons before it went off the rails and got ridick) is the new PAM? What the hell? Ok, I get it she isn't the old Pam, she is the 2nd wife.  Pam, was injured in an accident, had to have lots of plastic surgery and moved away. I mean, who hasn't had that happen in real life? Everyone has that tragic plastic surgery Aunt. Right?

The old gardener is now the adopted Ewing... bored. Is it just me or is this one dull? I say... Not enough Sue Ellen and JR. I know they are geriatric but for God's sake give them an Ensure and Depends and get em on the damn show! That's what I want to see. I don't want to see Bobby Ewing have cancer- that shit is too real. Unless next season he is in the shower and Old Pam is back and it's all a dream? Take a note writers: you can save this shit, still!

And, what the hell is going on with Larry Hagman's eyebrows? Do they have hair and makeup people? I know it's TNT but damn.  Imagine if this show was in 3-D Imax. You would literally be ducking from those eyebrows.
<--check this shit out

Lastly, is it just me or does SouthFork need some serious renovations? It doesn't seem like it is nearly as grand as it was in the 1980's but it does still have those 80's-tastic yellow awnings. That house must get a ton of direct sunlight to require so many awnings.  Get with it Ewing family- plantation shutter that shack up! Remodel- blow out a wing. I want to see a pool with a rock grotto treatment. This house looks dull. You are billionaires!   The interior shots look like any given model house in suburban Los Angeles- not the good parts- the Valley!    Wisteria lane was ballin' more than you!

Even when they cut away to the young Dallas cast- they live in what appear to be hotel rooms. What? You are billionaire kids and you live in a hotel?  I got family members who stay up in the Holiday Inn Express and Extended Stay but I don't brag about it!

Someone, please Help DALLAS.  America needs this! It's a horrible economy, but NOT for the damn Ewings!  What is next? Will Dynasty be based in a subdivision? Do the Carringtons end up in damn gated community? Did Falcon Crest sell the vineyard and move to a reasonably priced condo? Is Knots Landing moving to a cul de sac in a trailer park?

I need the 1980s glamour back. We need a cat fight in expensive clothes. Get a gay HGTV decorator to fix that  house up.  Wax and trim Larry. Let's get this on point. I don't want my memories to be jaded. We need to aspire to live BETTER and hate people who have more money than us, but love that they fight all the time and are secret alcoholics with evil twin sisters who are carrying their husband's illegitimate baby. This is what we are missing America!

Who SHOT JR? That was real tv. Do it again. Bring it back- but this time tazer his old ass. He can take it just watch those eyebrows they could go up in flames.  That's all.


1 comment:

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