you could probably tell I had a rough night last night from earlier post. So, I did my medicinal ritual "drive through" which always follows the medicinal ritual of "margaritas". I am pretty sure the lady working the drive through thinks I am homeless. Now, i am not at my personal best in the drive through line, which is why one depends on a drive through rather than going inside. So, I look a little crazy haired and unshaven in the drive through. It does not mean I am living in my car.
There is nothing like being judged while waiting on your change. Then I drive to the second window to pick up the order and the guy looks at me like he feels sorry for me. I think he and that hateful judgey lady were talking about me over the radio earphone things they wear. Maybe she punched it in the order? That's okay I will take your pity and some extra ketchup.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
it happens in 3's
i am struggling tonight to put my thoughts into words. You see, I feel life is a series of ups and downs. Sometimes you just can't be up. Sometimes it is okay to be sad, or mad or disappointed. They say these things happen in 3's right?
1)Sad: Tonight I cried. I admit it and I didn't expect it. Have you ever heard someone passed and you didn't even know that person, but you cried for her? Tonight I was sad... because you have to respect those that came before you. Someone passed away today who wasn't even a personal friend, but a friend indeed. Tonight a hero has passed- and I pray for her soul to be safe and true. It saddens me when anyone dies but my heart breaks a little tonight in respect.
2) Mad: I lost something. It might be trivial but sometimes the one that got away is gone for sure. I learned that tonight. I had held out hope and kept a torch burning but it only burned down my house. So, tonight I am mad for the love I lost - and the love I never found.
3) Finally: Tonight I learned a lot about disappointment. Disappointment is a double-edged sword. See, it hurts a lot when someone lets you down but it hurts more when you can't forgive them. I surprised myself writing that one down.
So, tonight I write you with a heavy heart. But, I hope, and I pray for that matter, that you realize it is these tough times, the sad times that make the happy times much brighter. And I hope that you get mad and sad and disappointed. Then I hope you laugh your ass off and drink too many beers and embarrass yourself because that, my darlings, is life.
1)Sad: Tonight I cried. I admit it and I didn't expect it. Have you ever heard someone passed and you didn't even know that person, but you cried for her? Tonight I was sad... because you have to respect those that came before you. Someone passed away today who wasn't even a personal friend, but a friend indeed. Tonight a hero has passed- and I pray for her soul to be safe and true. It saddens me when anyone dies but my heart breaks a little tonight in respect.
2) Mad: I lost something. It might be trivial but sometimes the one that got away is gone for sure. I learned that tonight. I had held out hope and kept a torch burning but it only burned down my house. So, tonight I am mad for the love I lost - and the love I never found.
3) Finally: Tonight I learned a lot about disappointment. Disappointment is a double-edged sword. See, it hurts a lot when someone lets you down but it hurts more when you can't forgive them. I surprised myself writing that one down.
So, tonight I write you with a heavy heart. But, I hope, and I pray for that matter, that you realize it is these tough times, the sad times that make the happy times much brighter. And I hope that you get mad and sad and disappointed. Then I hope you laugh your ass off and drink too many beers and embarrass yourself because that, my darlings, is life.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
love, dates and other half-truths
I was just getting my hair did today by my good friend, we will call sister-man. He was patting down my weave and talking to me about his love life and lack thereof when he asked me if I have blogged lately. At first I thought he was referring to my breath but then I realized he meant these internet writings. So, I wanted to tell you all about some bad dates I have done had. Dating is just a farce to me. I mean, there comes a point in a lady's life when you'd rather stay home with your taco bell and a George Clooney movie, am I right?
You might say, "mama you have done gone and gave up." I would say, " honey child, yes, yes I did. I gave it up and then I said this ain't worth all this work so I give up." Love gave up on me and I gave up on it- much like finding my waist line. I am of the humble opinion love is for the young and delusional. I feel the same way about Indian food, honey I can't stomach that after I turned 30. I have enough complicated relationships in my life- if I wanted to deal with some bull shit I would just call out the nursin home and ask to speak to my momma and 'em. I have much to say about love and how the various stage of love are much like a death- eventually you move on. But for today's lesson, chuldrun, we will talk about bad first dates. Let me run three of my very worst down for you- in order of duration:
1) 0:22 seconds I agreed foolishly to a blind date. I had talked with this fool about going to dinner, I don't know where Applebees or Olive Garden some place classy where I could order a mud slide to calm my nerves. When he changes plan and says, let's meet for a drink after work. Hmm... so I agree to pick him up at his work place because it was snowing and we would drive to a bar. Now, chuldrun, I could have been killed, hacked to death and murdered in my own trunk but I went for it all the same. I was young, fancy free and 42. I pulled up in my big Oldsmobile, he hopped in the car. We got to the end of the parking lot and he say, " hey, take me back. I need to go to work," I was shocked. I looked at him and realized he had a phone in his ear. Oh really? I hadn't heard it ring. He say he need to go back to the office, so I just threw that Oldsmobile in reverse and let him walk up the hill.
Why did this happen? Who knows. Maybe I had my saggy side boob showing, or spinach in my teeth. Maybe he mistook the smell of the Oldsmobile for my own body odor? I will never know and it began to pave the road of not givin' a shit anymore.
2) 22 minutes This time I met a gentleman caller for an adult beverage at a bar. I was nervous so I banged down my first Tom Collins. He goes on to tell me that he is a twin. "A twin? There's two of you?" This one was pretty but dry as a leaf in fall, honey. He was so boring. He said, "I have a twin sister." I replied, " Are ya'll identical?" He said, "no, she is a girl." I continued to imply that they were identical by asking, "so are ya'll identical?" He followed with, "you don't understand, identical isn't possible if one is male and one is female. It's called fraternal." Well, I was having a good belly laugh at good looking's misunderstanding that I was joking. This is part of the reason I am single- because I have a certain gift at being rude and calling it flirting. I am also single because I like my space. (Side note: I keep a suitcase at the foot of my bed incase I have a caller who thinks he is going to spend the night. I always have a fictitious flight early the next morning.) So then pretty boy goes on to tell me he is in law school, like I should be impressed. "It's awfully late for you to be in school. Have they held you back?" Again, he didn't laugh, so I continued, " I mean, I don't like lawyers. Especially that D.A. when he tried to go after me for statutory rape and murder. I mean, really, like I was going to admit that shit." I don't recall what happened after that thanks to my Mr. Tom Collins, but pretty boy lawyer asked for the check and left.
I got my revenge, however because one night I happened to be seated next to him at a bar. When my bill came, I pushed it over to him and said loudly to the bartender, this young lawyer man can buy my drinks. He owes me some.
3) A grande finale 1hour 45 minutes This date was the worst of all. We made it through dinner, and drinks and some dancing. When suddenly I couldn't find my date. Only to find he had left- with someone else, an ex of his. Well, it was a nice hour and a half, I spent 15 minutes trying to locate him through a haze of Purple Hooter Shooters. What can I say? It was the 70's.
Best luck with the humping, I mean dating. If I were you I would invest in a nice vibrator but be careful not to chip your teeth if you get out of control.
hugs
You might say, "mama you have done gone and gave up." I would say, " honey child, yes, yes I did. I gave it up and then I said this ain't worth all this work so I give up." Love gave up on me and I gave up on it- much like finding my waist line. I am of the humble opinion love is for the young and delusional. I feel the same way about Indian food, honey I can't stomach that after I turned 30. I have enough complicated relationships in my life- if I wanted to deal with some bull shit I would just call out the nursin home and ask to speak to my momma and 'em. I have much to say about love and how the various stage of love are much like a death- eventually you move on. But for today's lesson, chuldrun, we will talk about bad first dates. Let me run three of my very worst down for you- in order of duration:
1) 0:22 seconds I agreed foolishly to a blind date. I had talked with this fool about going to dinner, I don't know where Applebees or Olive Garden some place classy where I could order a mud slide to calm my nerves. When he changes plan and says, let's meet for a drink after work. Hmm... so I agree to pick him up at his work place because it was snowing and we would drive to a bar. Now, chuldrun, I could have been killed, hacked to death and murdered in my own trunk but I went for it all the same. I was young, fancy free and 42. I pulled up in my big Oldsmobile, he hopped in the car. We got to the end of the parking lot and he say, " hey, take me back. I need to go to work," I was shocked. I looked at him and realized he had a phone in his ear. Oh really? I hadn't heard it ring. He say he need to go back to the office, so I just threw that Oldsmobile in reverse and let him walk up the hill.
Why did this happen? Who knows. Maybe I had my saggy side boob showing, or spinach in my teeth. Maybe he mistook the smell of the Oldsmobile for my own body odor? I will never know and it began to pave the road of not givin' a shit anymore.
2) 22 minutes This time I met a gentleman caller for an adult beverage at a bar. I was nervous so I banged down my first Tom Collins. He goes on to tell me that he is a twin. "A twin? There's two of you?" This one was pretty but dry as a leaf in fall, honey. He was so boring. He said, "I have a twin sister." I replied, " Are ya'll identical?" He said, "no, she is a girl." I continued to imply that they were identical by asking, "so are ya'll identical?" He followed with, "you don't understand, identical isn't possible if one is male and one is female. It's called fraternal." Well, I was having a good belly laugh at good looking's misunderstanding that I was joking. This is part of the reason I am single- because I have a certain gift at being rude and calling it flirting. I am also single because I like my space. (Side note: I keep a suitcase at the foot of my bed incase I have a caller who thinks he is going to spend the night. I always have a fictitious flight early the next morning.) So then pretty boy goes on to tell me he is in law school, like I should be impressed. "It's awfully late for you to be in school. Have they held you back?" Again, he didn't laugh, so I continued, " I mean, I don't like lawyers. Especially that D.A. when he tried to go after me for statutory rape and murder. I mean, really, like I was going to admit that shit." I don't recall what happened after that thanks to my Mr. Tom Collins, but pretty boy lawyer asked for the check and left.
I got my revenge, however because one night I happened to be seated next to him at a bar. When my bill came, I pushed it over to him and said loudly to the bartender, this young lawyer man can buy my drinks. He owes me some.
3) A grande finale 1hour 45 minutes This date was the worst of all. We made it through dinner, and drinks and some dancing. When suddenly I couldn't find my date. Only to find he had left- with someone else, an ex of his. Well, it was a nice hour and a half, I spent 15 minutes trying to locate him through a haze of Purple Hooter Shooters. What can I say? It was the 70's.
Best luck with the humping, I mean dating. If I were you I would invest in a nice vibrator but be careful not to chip your teeth if you get out of control.
hugs
Sunday, May 16, 2010
grey gardens?
It is raining up in my living room. The damn roof leak has created a water feature that is neither zen nor relaxing for mama. The dern Buick won't start. This must be how Grey Garden's got started? I can't get to church which means I have 48 deviled eggs I made for the potluck to confort me. If it don't stop raining I might build me an ark out of the kids old Lincoln Logs. I don't need two of everything on my ark- just two bartenders and a hair dresser. Hello, Sundee mornin'
Friday, May 14, 2010
the problem with facebook
Here is the thing, childrun. I really try to be "hip." I try to stay "with it," up to speed and stuff. Why? Because I am cool with all that but this internet shit is about to drive me to drank. I mean, first they want me to get on myspace but then that turns to all glittery sparkly pages and it makes me crash my computer. My laptop is an old Atari hardwired with a Commodore Apple and a 12 Volt AutoZOne car battery. The damn thing crashes when my microwave timer goes off, I don't need your glittery pages and songs and mood status.
Then I get on the facebook and the twitter. Here is the thing about twitter. You have to say shit with an "@yourmama" Well I don't give a Fu@k about hearing these short little whines and rants on twitter. I don't care what Ashton Kutcher had for lunch or what Miley Cyrus thinks about foreign politics.
So, I get on face book. But I don't like this either. Aside from feeling like some sort of pedi-file, I just don't like people getting on my face. And now you gotta be a fan of every little damn thing. I get it- if you want to send me a message or you want to catch up with an old classmate or spy on your ex-husband. But I don't need to know what imaginary farm animal you are recruiting or why you need it? That is just weird. I don't want to join your mafia, I am packin in my purse so don't sneak up on me. I don't want to be a fan of any politician or a store. Can you imagine? Let me be a fan of Dollar General, PONTIAC, DOVE SOAP, and asssorted boxed wines.
Now businesses have pages? I want to be a fan of a strip club: the KITTY CAT CLUB in Cleveland? Yes, then I can be a fan of the FREE CLINIC? It's gone too far. See this is what happens. You get a good thing and you go too far and it's ruined. It's just like what happened to jump suits in the 1980s. You have a perfectly useful and acceptable clothing option but people want to make it sporty and put a damn stripe on it- now you have a track suit. Or, you want to make it formal and put puff paint, mirrors and blingy shit on it. We just take things too far and they are worthless, just ruined.
There, you're welcome.
Then I get on the facebook and the twitter. Here is the thing about twitter. You have to say shit with an "@yourmama" Well I don't give a Fu@k about hearing these short little whines and rants on twitter. I don't care what Ashton Kutcher had for lunch or what Miley Cyrus thinks about foreign politics.
So, I get on face book. But I don't like this either. Aside from feeling like some sort of pedi-file, I just don't like people getting on my face. And now you gotta be a fan of every little damn thing. I get it- if you want to send me a message or you want to catch up with an old classmate or spy on your ex-husband. But I don't need to know what imaginary farm animal you are recruiting or why you need it? That is just weird. I don't want to join your mafia, I am packin in my purse so don't sneak up on me. I don't want to be a fan of any politician or a store. Can you imagine? Let me be a fan of Dollar General, PONTIAC, DOVE SOAP, and asssorted boxed wines.
Now businesses have pages? I want to be a fan of a strip club: the KITTY CAT CLUB in Cleveland? Yes, then I can be a fan of the FREE CLINIC? It's gone too far. See this is what happens. You get a good thing and you go too far and it's ruined. It's just like what happened to jump suits in the 1980s. You have a perfectly useful and acceptable clothing option but people want to make it sporty and put a damn stripe on it- now you have a track suit. Or, you want to make it formal and put puff paint, mirrors and blingy shit on it. We just take things too far and they are worthless, just ruined.
There, you're welcome.
Friday, April 30, 2010
mutha's day
MOther's day has done snuck up on us chuldren. You may not know this about Mama but I raised myself two lovely daughters. One of em done moved up on outta here and got a fancy career. She married some body who can't stand mama so we don't speak much. The other one is crazy outta her head but Mama loves her most of the damn time.
People ask me, what makes you a successful single mother? Well, these children got fed and got out in the world. They are not currently incarcerated and I am particularly proud of that. I am even more proud when they ain't late on the rent and asking me for money for the damn light bills.
I tell you what chuldren, being a momma ain't no easy job. I look at my sister and she is raising two little babies and I think good Lord I can't do that. These babies are sweet as sugar most of the time but sometime they little children when they have a wii in their hands. I guess most kids are though. I am so thankful mine are grown, because I don't have enough nerve pills left.
What is the hardest part about being a mama? Well I would say letting go. These lil' bastards of mine held on to my uterous like it was a basketball goal. I reckon it's hard for all of us to realize our kids are grown up little people and one day they will leave us. They are little minds and will go out and make a way for themself in the world. Sometimes you don't keep a great relationship with your kids or your mama for that matter. I, myself, always thought I owned them kids but then they got out on they own.
So, I hope for Mother's Day you can mend fences if you got mad, or whatever and bring your mama a gift box set of WHITE DIAMONDS by that lady Elizabeth Taylor. Remember to tape the receipt to the bottom so your mama can return it to Wal-Mart but in the meantime she will act like it's her favorite thing next to the snuggy you gave her for Christmas.
People ask me, what makes you a successful single mother? Well, these children got fed and got out in the world. They are not currently incarcerated and I am particularly proud of that. I am even more proud when they ain't late on the rent and asking me for money for the damn light bills.
I tell you what chuldren, being a momma ain't no easy job. I look at my sister and she is raising two little babies and I think good Lord I can't do that. These babies are sweet as sugar most of the time but sometime they little children when they have a wii in their hands. I guess most kids are though. I am so thankful mine are grown, because I don't have enough nerve pills left.
What is the hardest part about being a mama? Well I would say letting go. These lil' bastards of mine held on to my uterous like it was a basketball goal. I reckon it's hard for all of us to realize our kids are grown up little people and one day they will leave us. They are little minds and will go out and make a way for themself in the world. Sometimes you don't keep a great relationship with your kids or your mama for that matter. I, myself, always thought I owned them kids but then they got out on they own.
So, I hope for Mother's Day you can mend fences if you got mad, or whatever and bring your mama a gift box set of WHITE DIAMONDS by that lady Elizabeth Taylor. Remember to tape the receipt to the bottom so your mama can return it to Wal-Mart but in the meantime she will act like it's her favorite thing next to the snuggy you gave her for Christmas.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
tacky
So the other night was an event called DINE OUT FOR LIFE which is an excuse to go someplace nice for dinner with a portion of the proceeds going to a good cause, Nashville Cares, a wonderful organization that helps persons with AIDS and educating the community. However, because I am a snarky old bitch, I couldn't help but think of slogans they could have used to promote it:
Eating out AIDS, Giving AIDS Hell
EATING for AIDS: please hold your pickle
Maybe a sticker: My pants got tight for AIDS?
"Oh damn this AIDS food is good?"
Yes, I am tacky and I would never make fun of any person but it's fun to make fun of words isn't it? And of course, the halibut was asking for it.
Did I go too far?
Eating out AIDS, Giving AIDS Hell
EATING for AIDS: please hold your pickle
Maybe a sticker: My pants got tight for AIDS?
"Oh damn this AIDS food is good?"
Yes, I am tacky and I would never make fun of any person but it's fun to make fun of words isn't it? And of course, the halibut was asking for it.
Did I go too far?
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