Saturday, December 19, 2009

another cautionary tale: I love Bars

I love a bar. So much that I had a wall removed in my kitchen to install a bar top. Lord knows I don't use the kitchen that much. Mama prefers to yell in a clown's mouth for dinner than to pull out the pots and pans. Besides, I don't want to disturb the mice that live in the cupboards- we have an agreement I don't hassle them and they don't bug me.

So, I put in a bar- I figured, I feel so at home in a bar I would feel -finally- more comfortable in my own shack if I had a bar. But it hasn't stopped me.

I realized this morning as I stumbled for ALIEVE at 6.a.m that isn't just the bar I love. Don't get me wrong, I love the drinks too. I have a new found admiration for Japanese Whiskey but he hates me back. It's like the worst relationship you ever had - Taylor Swift could write a song about me and Whiskey's codependent relationship.

But, my point is this: I love a bar. Not a dirty, smoky bar but a nice bar. I am weak for a marble counter top or even granite, either beats my formica counter tops. (Cut to vision: one day I will be glamorous and drinking on my bathroom floor from a box of wine while recovering from facelift and yelling at the help... a girl can dream.)

But mostly I love a bartender. Have you noticed the best drinking establishments hire the most attractive staff? And there I sit, hanging off either end of the barstool flirting my ass off and the only thing getting action is my credit card's bar tab... so children I tell you this is a cautionary tale: The bartender is working- not working you. Give up the fight.

It's like strippers... have you ever noticed that every stripper is working their way through school? They don't want to strip forever. No! And, honestly, they like you. You're nice and they are so glad to talk to you... There's going to be a wave of attractive, well educated, Doctors and Lawyer- former-strippers. Look out for it and remember I told you first.

So save yourself a lifetime of heartache and turn on the Days of Our Lives with that box of wine next to your recliner. Don't waste time on bartenders with big smiles and strong drinks. You'll just end up throwing up out the window of a taxi cab in the drive through of McDonalds while begging for extra BBQ sauce for your McNugget. (It's best to eat your feelings with BBQ sauce or Hot Mustard depending on your personal preferences.)

Seasons greetings, be safe

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