You know how you get reruns of Oprah sometimes, well today's blog is a rerun, an oldie but a goodie
THE DAY I ALMOST DIED
So, yes I had a near death experience on Halloween of all days. Picture it: I was at the Palm having a business lunch. I was witha client that I adore and have a little crush on. She is very excitable and talkative- so it took her a few mintues to realize I was actually choking to death.
Let me back up and tell you that this was after I had to get on the floor and crawl around under the table looking for my blackberry (which I had dropped). I am all about making a good impression- the picture of professionalism. "Excuse me, I will be right back." And, poof under the table I go as if immigration had raided the joint.
So, back to my elusive death scene. We were talking, I remember laughing a little. I was having a tenderloin (petite for those of you that are interested and it was good, damn good). Suddenly, I thought I had taken a bite too large or something. I took a hard swi on my diet coke. But... nothing. Have you ever felt like you have some food just stuck and you can usually force it down with a drink or a hard swallow?
Well, this goes on for a few minutes. My lunch partner unaware I am dying inside. She asks me a question and I can't respond. I can't speak and I am starting to realize I am choking. The end is near and all I can think is- I DONT WANNA GO DOWN LIKE MAMA CAS!
This is not how I want to die- at a restaurant. I mean, sure it's a nice place but how embarrassing. Even the best of my friends will snicker at the funeral. My client says, "Oh God, you are blue. You are choking." I am really annoyed because I am trying to be Mr. Suave and I run to the bathroom. I literally shove an old white lady out of the way who is standing blocking the doorway. She was so concerned someone would get the last business lunch filet special. She scowled and called me rude as I ran past her to the bathroom.
I remembered how my cats cough up fur balls. These damn cats saved my life- and finally I dislodged the steak and proceeded to barf like a fool. Then I get light headed. I don't want to die like Elvis in the bathroom, people will say.. oh yeah she died on the toilet. Can you imagine the giggles at my funeral service?
It is amazing the things you think about before death in a public place. I wasn't thinking about my family, or walking toward a light. I was thinking- NO, DAMN IT, NO. I haven't done all the things I want to do. I haven't been accused of an indecent act in public, had a taudry affair with a teenager, been sued for sexual harrassment, won the lottery, sang on American Idol, or dated Paula Abdul. I haven't done a shot with Courtney Love, been sky diving, passed out with George Micheal or had a fight with anyone from Dancing with the Stars. I never met Monica Lewinsky or Oprah or Gayle King or any of my idols. I want to live damn it.
So, I pulled the cat thing off and managed to barf-huff out the poisonous beef. Then (the worst part) I walked back to my table ashamed and people looked at me like I was fool. I am sure most of them thought I was a rude bastard or had explosive diarhea, both could be true but not today. So, I 've made it through halloween so far. It's time for tricks and treats. I am off to consume my weight in Almond Joys. God bless, shalome and may the force be with you and your loved ones this holiday season.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
a little inspiration
So, here we are the 12th of January and I am struggling with my best intentions for keeping resolutions. I've been going to the gym but I have not been blogging... so tonight I had a little pick of inspiration. I talked to an old friend who inspired me. She is like a whit Oprah, but do you know that bitch lost 40 something lbs? I don't like people who lose weight because it makes me feel fat. No, I kid, I am happy for her (and I am about to get happy with some chocolate chips). But I want to share this with you:
"enjoy what you do but remember that it must bring you job because if you aren't your best self, you aren't going to give your best to others or your self..."
If you have a glass of wine or two this makes a lot more sense, okay? By the way I don't trust people who don't like wine or don't drink wine. And another friend of mine says she doesn't trust people who say they have "left over wine." I say those are some mofos who can't finish a task. And I am not a quitter, a slacker maybe, a quitter? nope
SO, I leave you with that kiddies, find your damn joy. Do you love your life? Do you love what you do? Do you get joy from others? Do you give joy from others? ... doesn't this sound like a recruitment ad for prostitution? Yes, really lay down on the job- get maximum job satisfaction... I digress. I gots to go this chardonnay is not gon' drank itself and nothing worse than warm wine.
love and stuff
"enjoy what you do but remember that it must bring you job because if you aren't your best self, you aren't going to give your best to others or your self..."
If you have a glass of wine or two this makes a lot more sense, okay? By the way I don't trust people who don't like wine or don't drink wine. And another friend of mine says she doesn't trust people who say they have "left over wine." I say those are some mofos who can't finish a task. And I am not a quitter, a slacker maybe, a quitter? nope
SO, I leave you with that kiddies, find your damn joy. Do you love your life? Do you love what you do? Do you get joy from others? Do you give joy from others? ... doesn't this sound like a recruitment ad for prostitution? Yes, really lay down on the job- get maximum job satisfaction... I digress. I gots to go this chardonnay is not gon' drank itself and nothing worse than warm wine.
love and stuff
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
this may make me unpopular
BUT, I must get this off my chest. I am so sick of hearing things that drive me crazy, things that are not factual but based in green eco-friendly myth... so this is just one side of a multi-faceted problem we have today. And, please, let me know what you think.
Ever wonder where the economy went? Try looking in your recycle bin
A friend on facebook recently told everyone to take their name off as many catalog mail lists as they can- to save the trees...
Myth- by not printing a catalog you save a tree... false. This is down right stupid and it drives me nuts. Listen, I am pro-environment, I am but this is just bullshit. Actually, there are logging laws. You cannot import trees/pulp into the US without documentation and paper trails. In fact, there are now multiple organizations that do just that- research the hell out of where the trees come from. Mills own huge forests that they log and turn into pulp. They then re-grow these forests. So, actually there is no tree saved. People in America aren't out tearing out rain forests so you can get your Pottery Barn catalog. And, recycled paper sometimes isn't as healthy for the environment (think chemicals) as it is to grow a tree and cut it down and replace it with another tree. I know, we want to be sentimental about the trees but here is what we are NOT sentimental about- the jobs. Do you know how many people are, or should I say were, employed in the paper, print, and distribution industries? Thousands have lost jobs in the last year... that is right ONE year. Think about your local mailman who is about to lose his job or have his pension cut. Think about all the mills that have gone out of business, printers laying off workers and it trickles down to catalog companies hiring less people to answer calls, and less designers needed to lay out pages, and trucking companies not hauling loads which goes to people not having jobs at local malls. These people who you say are not necessary are incredibly valuable to us, they are part of our economy PEOPLE. These are the people buying houses, cars, groceries, eating at restaurants, shopping, IN YOUR TOWN. But, we DO have nice shiny smart phones and apple products... made OVERSEAS. It's not about a carbon footprint. Do you know most printing companies capture their exhaust and use them to supplement heat their plants? So, it is not like there are these huge puffs of smoke going out into the atmosphere... it's just not so.
Itunes.. ever talk to a song writer about how he/she gets paid? Ask them how fast they get a check from itunes. Ask them if they think the check is accurate? Oh, yeah, let's not forget that we have done away with all the record stores, no body wants them right. What about the people who sold them or the companies that made them, made the packaging, etc. Sure, an ipod is convenient and it is conveniently made in... google it it rhymes with SHINE-Ah. I am not hating on the Chinese but we have to realize every decision we make effects our own pockets or gives to someone else's. Why is it we are in such a hurry to ship jobs out when we desperately need them at home?
And then there were books... don't even get me started. I appreciate an e-reader, I really do. But I love the smell of a book. So there are no more book stores, well there are the mega brand stores that mostly sell more $5 coffees than books now, and certainly no locally owned book stores. Again, no one printing the books, shipping the books, etc. I feel so green- I saved a tree, we didn't use the gas to ship it! Nope, we gave that away again to another country and laid off thousands of workers. Think there is no carbon footprint in shipping from China to US? Think there aren't serious labor issues in China? THINK AGAIN- and keep supporting that but you save a damn tree, make that a theoretical tree. WE have to protect OUR planet but WE have to be smart. I am so sick of people jumping on band wagons and not thinking about any consequence.
Yes, technology is a good thing. No, it is not the devil, but let's think about it. We are a nation that makes NOTHING. I think this is our problem. Our economy flew out the window... no ma'am it did not. We gave it away. We couldn't wait to sell it off. So now what do you do? Make an app for a $1? Like for instance, does ANYBODY write a letter anymore? Is the art of the love letter now an email or a sext? And, I really freaking hate text messages. We don't talk anymore, we prefer to text.
It just really bothers me that so many people are unemployed and we make nothing as a country. Unlike paper, you cannot recycle our economy. I am all about being green but I think we need to think about if we ARE actually being green or if we are being e-friendly. The two are confused. Someone tell me how you recycle an ipod? An old laptop? Sure you can but there are environmental risk factors there, too. And how many old devices do you have? We need to figure out how to do that better than add plastic and LED screens to dump piles- because that stuff is more toxic than OLD PAPER ever was!!
To conclude, because you are sick of my rant and hopefully getting the point... I think the only way we are going to get the economy fixed is to make something (a product) and employ people. So, please put down your iphone and think about that for a minute. That's all I ask...
Ever wonder where the economy went? Try looking in your recycle bin
A friend on facebook recently told everyone to take their name off as many catalog mail lists as they can- to save the trees...
Myth- by not printing a catalog you save a tree... false. This is down right stupid and it drives me nuts. Listen, I am pro-environment, I am but this is just bullshit. Actually, there are logging laws. You cannot import trees/pulp into the US without documentation and paper trails. In fact, there are now multiple organizations that do just that- research the hell out of where the trees come from. Mills own huge forests that they log and turn into pulp. They then re-grow these forests. So, actually there is no tree saved. People in America aren't out tearing out rain forests so you can get your Pottery Barn catalog. And, recycled paper sometimes isn't as healthy for the environment (think chemicals) as it is to grow a tree and cut it down and replace it with another tree. I know, we want to be sentimental about the trees but here is what we are NOT sentimental about- the jobs. Do you know how many people are, or should I say were, employed in the paper, print, and distribution industries? Thousands have lost jobs in the last year... that is right ONE year. Think about your local mailman who is about to lose his job or have his pension cut. Think about all the mills that have gone out of business, printers laying off workers and it trickles down to catalog companies hiring less people to answer calls, and less designers needed to lay out pages, and trucking companies not hauling loads which goes to people not having jobs at local malls. These people who you say are not necessary are incredibly valuable to us, they are part of our economy PEOPLE. These are the people buying houses, cars, groceries, eating at restaurants, shopping, IN YOUR TOWN. But, we DO have nice shiny smart phones and apple products... made OVERSEAS. It's not about a carbon footprint. Do you know most printing companies capture their exhaust and use them to supplement heat their plants? So, it is not like there are these huge puffs of smoke going out into the atmosphere... it's just not so.
Itunes.. ever talk to a song writer about how he/she gets paid? Ask them how fast they get a check from itunes. Ask them if they think the check is accurate? Oh, yeah, let's not forget that we have done away with all the record stores, no body wants them right. What about the people who sold them or the companies that made them, made the packaging, etc. Sure, an ipod is convenient and it is conveniently made in... google it it rhymes with SHINE-Ah. I am not hating on the Chinese but we have to realize every decision we make effects our own pockets or gives to someone else's. Why is it we are in such a hurry to ship jobs out when we desperately need them at home?
And then there were books... don't even get me started. I appreciate an e-reader, I really do. But I love the smell of a book. So there are no more book stores, well there are the mega brand stores that mostly sell more $5 coffees than books now, and certainly no locally owned book stores. Again, no one printing the books, shipping the books, etc. I feel so green- I saved a tree, we didn't use the gas to ship it! Nope, we gave that away again to another country and laid off thousands of workers. Think there is no carbon footprint in shipping from China to US? Think there aren't serious labor issues in China? THINK AGAIN- and keep supporting that but you save a damn tree, make that a theoretical tree. WE have to protect OUR planet but WE have to be smart. I am so sick of people jumping on band wagons and not thinking about any consequence.
Yes, technology is a good thing. No, it is not the devil, but let's think about it. We are a nation that makes NOTHING. I think this is our problem. Our economy flew out the window... no ma'am it did not. We gave it away. We couldn't wait to sell it off. So now what do you do? Make an app for a $1? Like for instance, does ANYBODY write a letter anymore? Is the art of the love letter now an email or a sext? And, I really freaking hate text messages. We don't talk anymore, we prefer to text.
It just really bothers me that so many people are unemployed and we make nothing as a country. Unlike paper, you cannot recycle our economy. I am all about being green but I think we need to think about if we ARE actually being green or if we are being e-friendly. The two are confused. Someone tell me how you recycle an ipod? An old laptop? Sure you can but there are environmental risk factors there, too. And how many old devices do you have? We need to figure out how to do that better than add plastic and LED screens to dump piles- because that stuff is more toxic than OLD PAPER ever was!!
To conclude, because you are sick of my rant and hopefully getting the point... I think the only way we are going to get the economy fixed is to make something (a product) and employ people. So, please put down your iphone and think about that for a minute. That's all I ask...
Monday, November 22, 2010
christians and turkeys
why are all the good Christian's trying to rush this here holiday season? I mean, half of my neighbors in the trailer park already have had a wreath up for 2 weeks on they doors. I mean, dern, people it ain't even Turkey day yet. I love Jesus and I hope to the sweet lawd he love me back honey because I have done something I ain't so proud of... but lights, bows, ribbons already? Not til after Turkey time! I mean we don't throw out a jack-o-latern immediately after we put up our big ass flags do we? I have a designated week for my pilgrim salt ad pepper shakers to earn their keep and how ridiculous does it look for me to put up my inflatable corn-o-cupia on the front yard when Claire has damn wreaths with bows and lights in trees. It looks like Opryland over there and I am just pulling out my shoes with the buckles on them and my festive turkey sweater.
And speaking of the turkey- please do not get me wrong- I have never been one to pass up a dessert table. This is the best damn holiday. No gift stress, no forgiveness, no telling somebody you may or may not love them as much as you did once before. This is all about eatin' and eatin' good. I love a holiday where you know it's time to stop because you feel sick or you might actually blow out your spanx. Eat til you cant' take another casserole bight honey child.
More importantly... a little secret to help you with the guilt and the glutony... I have never been scared of a lipo doctor- they do really have the magic wand. So, I say honey child, you best get you some seconds just make sure you got a part time job or some something-something left over in that Christmas Cash account you got secret stowed down at the credit union. Because if you pass up a second plate... the terrorists have won.
And speaking of the turkey- please do not get me wrong- I have never been one to pass up a dessert table. This is the best damn holiday. No gift stress, no forgiveness, no telling somebody you may or may not love them as much as you did once before. This is all about eatin' and eatin' good. I love a holiday where you know it's time to stop because you feel sick or you might actually blow out your spanx. Eat til you cant' take another casserole bight honey child.
More importantly... a little secret to help you with the guilt and the glutony... I have never been scared of a lipo doctor- they do really have the magic wand. So, I say honey child, you best get you some seconds just make sure you got a part time job or some something-something left over in that Christmas Cash account you got secret stowed down at the credit union. Because if you pass up a second plate... the terrorists have won.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
regrets: I've had a few
Oh kiddies,
Mama is so sorry. I feel, once again, like I left you locked in the car with the windows cracked at Wal-marts while I was buying my econo-mega pack of Marlboros. Truth is, I've been busier than a one legged man in a butt kickin contest. I've been working hard for the money like Donna Summer. But that is no excuse. Things, they are a changing in mommas life- whether she likes it or not. I will keep you informed but for now know this:
I never meant to leave you.
I never felt the need for travel, but travel had the need for me.
The loney road is a body guard if you really want it to be.
In the meantime find some happiness wherever you are. Maybe it's the smell of fall or the color of the leafs. For me, it's the bottom of this damn bag of halloween candy I hid from them ingrates neighbor kids. Will be in touch, and if you need me, you know where to find me.
Mama is so sorry. I feel, once again, like I left you locked in the car with the windows cracked at Wal-marts while I was buying my econo-mega pack of Marlboros. Truth is, I've been busier than a one legged man in a butt kickin contest. I've been working hard for the money like Donna Summer. But that is no excuse. Things, they are a changing in mommas life- whether she likes it or not. I will keep you informed but for now know this:
I never meant to leave you.
I never felt the need for travel, but travel had the need for me.
The loney road is a body guard if you really want it to be.
In the meantime find some happiness wherever you are. Maybe it's the smell of fall or the color of the leafs. For me, it's the bottom of this damn bag of halloween candy I hid from them ingrates neighbor kids. Will be in touch, and if you need me, you know where to find me.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
the here and the now
you know, when you are younger you spend a lot of time dreaming. What will I be when I grow up? Where will I go to school? Where will I live? I am so guilty of that- way too many hours thinking about things that really don't matter.
- What did that comment, really, mean?
- Did she say that to me or for me?
- Am I going to get laid off?
- Will he call?
It is time to stop wondering and dreaming and start doing. I am making a pact to shut up and put up. The only things I am going to start asking my self are:
- Will this stain come out?
- Is this going to leave a permanent mark?
- Are there any cameras?
- Will this clear my checking account?
That is it. It is time to start living and stop dreaming. I hope that this inspires you the way I feel inspired. Of course, I am writing you on pain medication because I broke my damn foot. So, I am not going to start to tango after this post, but in my head I might be tango-ing right now.
- What did that comment, really, mean?
- Did she say that to me or for me?
- Am I going to get laid off?
- Will he call?
It is time to stop wondering and dreaming and start doing. I am making a pact to shut up and put up. The only things I am going to start asking my self are:
- Will this stain come out?
- Is this going to leave a permanent mark?
- Are there any cameras?
- Will this clear my checking account?
That is it. It is time to start living and stop dreaming. I hope that this inspires you the way I feel inspired. Of course, I am writing you on pain medication because I broke my damn foot. So, I am not going to start to tango after this post, but in my head I might be tango-ing right now.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
well, good morn-ting to you
So, Mama has been on the road. I swear my life has turned into that movie UP IN THE AIR with George Clooney, minus the sexiness. No, sadly, I have no affairs in my road trippin.
But I thought I would die this very morning. I decided I should go downstairs to the lobby and work out. Only all the machines were taken at 630am by the really fit people. I am not so fit, just guilted by the pasta and decadent chocolate cake i ate last night. So, I give up and did some stretches. I discovered, am also not limber and feared I had split my pants.
So, I gave up and went to the pantry to check out the breakfast selections. I settled on a diet coke and a pack of Big Red for breakfast. When I got back upstairs to room 1501- I put my key in the door.... nothing. Well, damn it I have to go all the way back downstairs? No ma'am. Try it again, and again and cuss a little. That always helps.
Suddenly, a rather irritated lady opens the door wearing a teeshirt that is down past her thighs. "Can I help you?" she looks at me with a stern look as though she might just beat the shit out of me right there in the hotel lobby. I realize I only have diet coke bottle to protect myself and say, " oh, well good morning. I guess this is your wake up call. Sorry, 3 hotel rooms in 3 days, I must be lost. Have a blessed day.." and the door slams.
Yes, I said have a blessed day? WTF? I don't bless people. Am not pope. Am non pope-ish. Am not Catholic. Turns out I am in room 220. Room 1501 was the night before. whoops
But I thought I would die this very morning. I decided I should go downstairs to the lobby and work out. Only all the machines were taken at 630am by the really fit people. I am not so fit, just guilted by the pasta and decadent chocolate cake i ate last night. So, I give up and did some stretches. I discovered, am also not limber and feared I had split my pants.
So, I gave up and went to the pantry to check out the breakfast selections. I settled on a diet coke and a pack of Big Red for breakfast. When I got back upstairs to room 1501- I put my key in the door.... nothing. Well, damn it I have to go all the way back downstairs? No ma'am. Try it again, and again and cuss a little. That always helps.
Suddenly, a rather irritated lady opens the door wearing a teeshirt that is down past her thighs. "Can I help you?" she looks at me with a stern look as though she might just beat the shit out of me right there in the hotel lobby. I realize I only have diet coke bottle to protect myself and say, " oh, well good morning. I guess this is your wake up call. Sorry, 3 hotel rooms in 3 days, I must be lost. Have a blessed day.." and the door slams.
Yes, I said have a blessed day? WTF? I don't bless people. Am not pope. Am non pope-ish. Am not Catholic. Turns out I am in room 220. Room 1501 was the night before. whoops
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